Iluvwords

Everyone hates Comic-Sans MS

2011-01-06T12:39:00.001Z

Split personality

2010-07-15T12:13:00.005+01:00

I write like

Chuck Palahniuk

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

A small sample of my current writing is like that of Chuck Palahniuk. Mmmm.

I write like
David Foster Wallace

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

But the whole first chapter is more like David Foster Wallace. Blimey.

I write like
Stephen King

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

More bizzaro - my short story in Sushirexia is like...Stephen King? That doesn't seem possible. I like how he writes about writing, but, um. Really?

I write like
H. P. Lovecraft
I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Is my short story in New Writing Scotland in somewhat in the style of Lovecraft? Beats me.

But the two short stories I've edited over the last month?

I write like
William Shakespeare

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

HOLY SHIT! I knew it. Finally, some confirmation. The other story?..

I write like
Stephen King
I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!
Oh balls.

Yes, it's time for time-wasting tool of dubious value of the day - I Write Like -

Check what famous writer you write like with this statistical analysis tool, which analyzes your word choice and writing style and compares them to those of the famous writers.
Any text in English will do: your latest blog post, journal entry, comment, chapter of your unfinished book, etc. For reliable results paste at least a few paragraphs (not tweets).

First Impressions

2010-07-07T17:33:00.007+01:00

I got some book-cover colour-coordinated flowers! And they were bejewelled with sparkling butterflies!

I had a very nice quick trip up North to see Sushirexia launched last week. It was lovely to have a chat with Elizabeth and Zoe, who teach the MLitt course at Glasgow University, as well as to hear people far more erudite than myself read their works aloud. I charmed the crowd in my usual manner by speaking to no-one and scuttling off to get a curry before I was forced to do anything involving networking.

Now.

A small confession: I haven't read the book yet.

I started the book, I did - within seconds of ripping open the delivery from thebookdepsitory. When the book truck rolls up I'm like a compulsive eater with a new sack of donuts (especially as I can't - without a super valid excuse - buy any books at all until I have a new job. Crappy but necessary rule of new life in Manchester No1.). The reason for my avoidance? The Preface, which includes such manic depressive gems as 'So this is the preface' and 'Unfortunately for you, dear reader, nothing particularly amusing occurred'. Blimey. I was also taken to a dark place by such miserable asides as 'we racked our brains for an inspiring theme (not as much fun as it sounds...)' and 'Presumably all the fun will come later'.

And all this on the first page. Bloody hell. I was so depressed after reading the Preface I haven't been capable of forcing myself to face the rest of the tome, even though I've got a story in there myself somewhere. Particularly because I've got a story in their somewhere - it's strange to think something written when I was a different person (a complex medical procedure ensued) a year and half ago, is now in print.

If I get past the Preface, I am sure it will be a good book! I am really sorry the editors had such a tough time making it, but they seem to have done a great job. It must have been seriously hard work.

I have an excellent non Preface related excuse for my non-reading, too - I am totally distracted by a new writing project. I'm off to Oxford tomorrow morning, for two whole days of research in the dreaming spires!

I've paused writing short stories for a while, and I'm loving it. I'm doing things differently. I think this move to Manchester has changed my writing patterns and goals.

I still love short stories though.

This blog about the Daily Routines of writers is distracting me from life. Is it possible to read the below about Flaubert and not titter (while simultaneously quietly wishing that you too had a whispering man servant named Narcisse)?:

Gustave Flaubert

Days were as unvaried as the notes of the cuckoo. Flaubert, a man of nocturnal habits, usually awoke at 10 a.m. and announced the event with his bell cord. Only then did people dare speak above a whisper. His valet, Narcisse, straightaway brought him water, filled his pipe, drew the curtains, and delivered the morning mail. Conversation with Mother, which took place in clouds of tobacco smoke particularly noxious to the migraine sufferer, preceded a very hot bath and a long, careful toilette involving the regular application of a tonic reputed to arrest hair loss. At 11 a.m. he entered the dining room, where Mme Flaubert; Liline; her English governess, Isabel Hutton; and very often Uncle Parain would have gathered. Unable to work well on a full stomach, he ate lightly, or what passed for such in the Flaubert household, meaning that his first meal consisted of eggs, vegetables, cheese or fruit, and a cup of cold chocolate. The family then lounged on the terrace, unless foul weather kept them indoors, or climbed a steep path through woods behind their espaliered kitchen garden to a glade dubbed La Mercure after the statue of Mercury that once stood there. Shaded by chestnut trees, near their hillside orchard, they would argue, joke, gossip, and watch vessels sail up and down the river. Another site of open-air refreshment was the eighteenth-century pavilion. After dinner, which generally lasted from seven to nine, dusk often found them there, looking out at moonlight flecking the water and fisherman casting their hoop nets for eel.

In June 1852, Flaubert told Louise Colet that he worked from 1 p.m. to 1 a.m.. A year later, when he assumed partial responsibility for Liline's education and gave her an hour or more of his time each day, he may not have put pen to paper at his large round writing table until two o'clock or later.

Frederick Brown, Flaubert: A Biography

My days will never be as unvaried as the notes of the cuckoo, no matter how hard I try.

I'm also in love with this article from the New Yorker in 1934, on Gertrude Stein:

Miss Stein has an outsize bathtub that was especially made for her. A staircase had to be taken out to install it. After her bath she puts on a huge wool bathrobe and writes for a while, but she prefers to write outdoors, after she gets dressed. Especially in the Ain country, because there are rocks and cows there. Miss Stein likes to look at rocks and cows in the intervals of her writing. The two ladies drive around in their Ford till they come to a good spot. Then Miss Stein gets out and sits on a campstool with pencil and pad, and Miss Toklas fearlessly switches a cow into her line of vision. If the cow doesn't seem to fit in with Miss Stein's mood, the ladies get into the car and drive on to another cow. When the great lady has an inspiration, she writes quickly, for about fifteen minutes. But often she just sits there, looking at cows and not turning a wheel.

'nothing particularly amusing occurred'

'not as much fun as it sounds'

'Presumably, all the fun stuff will come later'

I want this

2010-06-16T14:37:00.002+01:00

That's all.

Sushirexia

2010-06-16T12:00:00.021+01:00

I have moved to Manchester. I'm here, right now, so it must be true!

I am going to Glasgow because of this event next week:

Also, it's good that John Jennet won the £1500 Sceptre Prize for novelists, for an extract from Manadh - gret news! And hearty congratulations to the brilliant Ulrich, who snatched the Curtis Brown Prize from my greasy palms, damn him. He has writing in the soon to be launched 'Sushirexia: 32 stories about hunger', and so do I. So - soon we will meet again Ulrich, and I will punish you roundly, and squarely, and to the death.

Waterstone's, Glasgow, 24th June, 2010.

Curtis Brown Prize News

2010-02-04T16:04:00.019Z

My short story collection in progress, Islands, has been shortlisted for The Curtis Brown Prize! There are two of us shortlisted - congrats to the other mystery shortlist-ee! Some happy news, that's made my day (and week, and year), and truly lifted me out of the snowy-rainy-any-excuse-progress-stalling murk of January (is it just me? 'I can't write anything, it's snowing/raining/too sunny, and I've not been to the bank yet and I've run out of, oh I don't know, socks. I can't write without socks').

Now I'm just waiting for the Curtis Brown email that informs me of an unfortunate administrative error. But that's the kind of cheerful optimist I am.

I've read today about a prize specifically for novelists, the Sceptre Prize run by Glasgow Uni and Sceptre, designed to encourage emerging novel writers. Congratulations to all the nominees: Elinor Brown, John Jennett, and Martin Shannon. John Jennett was kind enough to talk about his writing here on this blog last year, as well as being published in From Glasgow to Saturn a couple of times. As well as that, his short story Guga was published in The Glasgow Student Short Story competition anthology last year - winning a special mention from A.L.Kennedy! I am really happy to see his name appear on the Sceptre shortlist, most deservedly. Good luck to you all!

On an unrelated note, is anyone else seriously bummed out that Peter Capaldi is not nominated for a best supporting actor Oscar for In The Loop? Just watched it again tonight. Glad they have the adapted screenplay nomination though!

My idol, Peter 'Don't ever call me fucking English again' Capaldi

Via Veritas Vita

2009-10-06T23:56:00.004+01:00

I am still away in lovely France, with slightly wibbly and intermittent internet access. I may also have fallen into a red wine induced coma for the past month, after finishing my MLitt final portfolio, and then moving out of my beloved Merchant City flat (oh, how I miss it - but not so much the singing brawling fighty men outside at 2am...), and then driving to France... I have recently logged on to the internet to see lots of interesting emails, which I badly want to respond to right away! All being well with Orange internet in France, I will be working through email and work backlog over the next few days, as - after weeks of burning sunshine - we are set for some stormy French weather (a great excuse to lurk indoors and pore over the writing blogs and short story mags, eating amazing cheese and bread, guzzling wine, and generally lolling and scrobbling around on the internet!). Back in the UK in a few weeks, and then, on to further adventures. Can't wait!

On a most exciting note, I have received a Distinction for my MLitt! Whoop! Delighted.

Moving house...

2009-09-02T00:44:00.001+01:00

My bloggy absence is due to moving out of my flat, and onwards to new places...

Normal service should resume in the next few weeks, all being well with Internet connection!

Sorry if I have not replied to emails, I am three weeks behind now, and it's near impossible to sit down at the computer with all the box packing, flat viewings, and long long drives all over the place: I am catching up this week, with a bit of luck.

And if I don't burn the place down to avoid doing any more packing.

The Anthology is FINISHED!

2009-08-15T13:59:00.008+01:00

The Glasgow Student Short Story Prize Anthology is now available to read, and it is completely free! Just click on the top left hand side of the BookStreamer book above, to be redirected to a bigger page where you can read the book right now!

Should you wish to purchase a paper copy, please note that this is a 2nd proof and the final confirmed double checked edition is the one I strongly recommend getting, on or around the 20th of August. I will post here and Tweet a confirmation when it is perfect and purchasable! The book will cost £5.15, despite the BookStreamer stating £2.20: it does not add on postage and 'printers costs' until you reach the checkout. Be assured though, the actual profit we are making on this book is, steady yourselves, 1p a copy. This is the smallest amount allowed though the publisher used. Profit is most emphatically not the aim here, accessibility is.

And with that in mind, the stories have all been published simultaneously today in the new look From Glasgow to Saturn. The journal has a bold and lovely new colour scheme for the Prize Winners Edition:

We are just delighted to have the book and online journal issued, and available to read. I really hope you enjoy the book, please do feel free to post me a comment or an email (elisabeth.ingram@gmail.com), and let me know what you think!

It is my hope that the competition could run annually, so do get in touch with any ideas or suggestions about how we could go forward in 2010.

Thank you so much for reading.

Introduction

by Elisabeth Ingram

The Glasgow Student Short Story Prize was founded to support and promote new writing talent across Scotland’s largest city. The prize was free to enter and open to all undergraduate and postgraduate students studying at any University in Glasgow.

I hoped that an accessible prize would encourage students of all subjects to write stories, and am delighted that the prize attracted submissions from all five major universities and academies in Glasgow. Shortlisted stories came from a diverse range of students studying Creative Writing, English Literature, Journalism, History of Art, Forensic Biology, and Law.

The prize had just one rule: a limit of 1000 words. This restriction proves a serious challenge to any writer. Crafting a powerful story in a tight space is one of the most challenging tasks a writer can face. Every word must count, drive forwards, resonate. Each writer on our shortlist wrote with precision and verve. The three winners of the Prize reveal an exceptional talent, creating daring prose that stands out amongst an already impressive group of stories.

Involvement in this prize illustrates the scale of writing talent in Glasgow. I’m happy that each of these authors will have their work published in From Glasgow To Saturn (the online literary journal of Glasgow University), and even happier that we are publishing this book: there’s no bigger a thrill as a writer than seeing your writing in print!

Special thanks are due to A. L. Kennedy, for her generosity and kindness to strangers. Strangers’ kindness has been a heartening and unexpected surprise throughout the Prize. Short story publishers and writers such as Nuala Ní Chonchúir made it possible, by offering substantial prizes and support to new and emerging short story writers.

I must also mention the Dewar Arts Awards, who funded my course and writing this year, allowing me to create the prize and this anthology.

This beautiful book is largely due to the hard work of Cosmo Wallace. Thank you, Cosmo. Thank you also to Rebecca Bradburd and José C. Velazquez, two dedicated co-editors of From Glasgow to Saturn, who read every entry to the prize, and worked with me to compile a fantastic shortlist.

A final thanks must go to every student who entered the prize. I’m proud to have read so many excellent short stories, and I’m confident that whether or not individual entrants won prizes or a place on the shortlist, they will continue to write and to make Glasgow a great place to be a writer.

Be bold and await the mighty forces

2009-08-14T13:22:00.003+01:00

So...tired....

The finished Glasgow Student Short Story Prize anthology will be online today, free to read right here on my blog! The stories will also be online at From Glasgow to Saturn later today, too.

It's looking good, I'm so excited to show it off to the world and see what people think of all the stories, and the design of the book, too! It's fun to get to choose what a book looks like!

Ok, back to it, nearly there, should all be wrapped up nice and shiny, by tonight!

And then I have three days of solid work towards my final uni portfolio work (a short story collection), but, if I worry about that today, I might jump out the window.

Tomorrow! One day at at time.

Someone emailed me a supportive quote a few days ago (people are worried about me, I'm gross, I'm a hermit, I'm manic and obsessive: all the usual stuff):

Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid.

I quite like it.

Winners of the Short Story Prize!

2009-08-11T16:04:00.003+01:00

I am delighted to announce the winners of The Glasgow Student Short Story Prize, chosen by our judge, A. L. Kennedy!

1st Prize Winner:

Linda McLaughlin (Glasgow University)
'Taking Care of Joseph'

2nd Prize Winner:

Nikki Cameron (Glasgow University)
'Catching the Number 79 Bus'

3rd Prize Winner:

Craig R Lamont (Strathclyde University)
'He Wasn't Half Late'

Special Mentions:

Vicki Husband (Glasgow University) with 'McLeish'
Mary Houston (Glasgow University) with 'In A Pickle'
Robert Kilgour (Strathclyde University) with 'Discomfort Food'
Matt Brolly (Glasgow University) with 'Heron'
John Jennett (Glasgow University) with 'Guga'

The shortlisted and winning stories will be available to read in an anthology, free to read online on the prize blog very soon, or available for purchase within the week. The stories will also be published in a dedicated 'Prize Winners Edition' of From Glasgow To Saturn (the literary journal of Glasgow University's Creative Writing MLitt) on 14th August.

Thank you to every student who entered the prize.

I am thrilled that the prize attracted submissions from all five major universities and academies in Glasgow. Shortlisted stories came from a diverse range of students, studying Creative Writing, English Literature, Journalism, History of Art, Forensic Biology and Law.

I'm proud to have read so many excellent short stories, and I'm confident that whether or not individual entrants won prizes or a place on the shortlist, they will continue to write and to make Glasgow a great place to be a writer.

Here is a preview of the cover of the upcoming anthology!

The Cover

NWS!

2009-08-01T10:52:00.005+01:00

New Writing Scotland 27 is out! My excitement is only slightly tempered by my strong urge to find where my postman lives and punch the living daylights out of him. But after all, why should he knock on the door when he can shove two bubblepacked books through the tiny letterbox, helping them through with a kick, no doubt, crumpling the back pages and creasing the back flap of one, and actually cutting into the hardback cover of another. And it is unfortunate that the one he really fracked up is the signed copy of AL Kennedy's book, so I am very sorry in advance, prize winner of the Short Story comp, there are marks on the cover of your lovely new book. Don't worry though, a) I will put an extra prize in, to make up for it and b) the postman is going to meet a mysterious and bizarre end (they will call me the letterbox killer. That's all I'm saying).

Right, now I've got that out my system, I opened the book to read my story this morning, and I felt alarmed and excited (and angry at the same time, what an intriguing and unwelcome new sensation, courtesy of Royal Mail). I'm really looking forward to putting a night aside this week to read the book.

Ok, whats next?

Shortlist!

2009-07-31T13:30:00.005+01:00

The Heron, by Matt Brolly

Catching the number 79 bus, by Nikki Cameron

Johnny, by Euan Cuthbertson

In a Pickle, by Mary Houston

McLeish, by Vicki Husband

Guga, by John Jennett

Sic, e.g. Jönsson

Blessed are they..., by Arthur Ker

Discomfort Food, by Robert Kilgour

He Wasn’t Half Late, by Craig R Lamont

Pobrecita, by Kirsty Logan

Spanish Lessons in the Art of Love, by Harry Mc Donald

4 a.m, by Lucy McIver

Taking Care of Joseph, Linda McLaughlin

The Triangle and Odd-Shaped Creatures, by Miriam O’Sullivan

This Is Your Pebble, by Michele Waering

More information to come here very soon about each of the writers, and some details about the upcoming anthology, too.

Shortlist on the way!

2009-07-29T21:24:00.003+01:00

Shortlist - on it's way very soon, after lots of reading and rating and tough culling! Thank you to everyone who entered, I have been blown away by how much great writing came my way. It's been a bit of an exhausting ride, and now I can't wait to let the shortlisted writers know how excellent we think their stories are!

yesterday, today

2009-07-28T22:44:00.006+01:00

Insomnia. Praise my gratuitous stash of Book Depository books! I read these two before dawn got all blue and noisy on me, and then and I got a little kip:

Then the postman woke me up with more books ;). So, tonight, if hunger strikes:

I am enjoying Anne Carson greatly. What talent.

Being your own agent

2009-07-24T10:41:00.004+01:00

I have become a little addicted to Salt's 'Office Life' Blog, and their 100 words of advice:

There are almost no agents in poetry and short story publishing, this is because they can’t make any money out of the genres. You’ll have to work as your own agent in finding the right press. A common mistake in pitching books is poor research. Sending books to publishers you’ve never bought from, whose books you don’t know well, is like choosing a spouse by sticking pins in a telephone directory and ringing to ask if they’ll marry you. Get to know a list: its editors and authors and books. That includes actually buying stuff from your potential literary publishers.

'Being your own agent : know the list you are submitting to'

It's weird, because I actually did find love by sticking a pin in the yellow pages. Now I am married to a Drain and Pipe cleaning company just off Dixon Blazes Industrial Estate, so, keep positive.

I, the author, demand dancing cats

2009-07-22T17:25:00.003+01:00

Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats by TS Eliot (1939).
Author's own design

Photograph: Faber & Faber

Eighty Years of Book Cover Design by Faber & Faber

Now, is this an argument why authors probably shouldn't design their own book covers?

Or not?

I do love the dancing cats in the bottom left. Maybe it should be made compulsory. Authors designing book covers I mean, not cat dancing.

We are working on the design of the Glasgow Student Short Story Prize anthology, I am happy to say we have the design expertise of animator and illustrator Gemma Manger.

Last day to enter GSSSP!

2009-07-20T09:19:00.003+01:00

Good morning!

It's the last day to enter The Glasgow Student Short Story Prize!

I am feeling quite sleepy, as I stayed up most of the night updating the Prize blog with all the latest prizes - the list is pretty long now! I am so grateful to everyone who has so kindly donated prizes, I could not have put this together without them.

By midnight, all the entries will be in, and then the reading and judging begins, and ultimately, the final issue of FGtS must be made, and so must a book! All in the next month....

And there is a small issue of my university work, too: deadline, mid August.

Oh yea, and I'm moving house then, too.

meep.

i am going to make a cup of tea now, that'll fix it. If not, I have schnapps from aldi. I think someone left some amaretto here once too, I should probably go and find that. And then clean the kitchen. And do some emails. Then have a schnapps break, then get back to work.

New Prizes - Chapman!

2009-07-18T10:52:00.008+01:00

I have some great news - more prizes for the winners of the Glasgow Student Short Story Prize! Just 3 days left to enter now, so it's getting pretty exciting..

The prizes come from Chapman, Scotland's leading literary magazine, which is 'controversial, influential, outspoken and intelligent': in short, everything a writer needs for inspiration!

Scotland's leading literary magazine, Chapman, has a well-deserved international reputation for quality, diversity, and its authoritative cultural voice. It is often compared to the likes of Granta, The Poetry Review, P N Review, Agenda and easily stands comparison with similar magazines in Ireland and Wales, like The New Welsh Review as well as counterparts throughout Europe and elsewhere.

Its outstanding feature is consistency of quality, combined with originality in the range of material it publishes. Surprises are guaranteed in each issue. Most of all, and perhaps unique to Chapman, is its dynamic nature. It's not passive, and merely reflective of the current literary scene, but active and stimulating of change in both culture and in society at large.

Tied in with their commitment to encouraging new writing talent, they are supporting the Glasgow Student Short Story Prize, by awarding prizes to all the prize winners! The 1^st Prize winner will get a one year Subscription to Chapman, which is a brilliant reward! The 2nd Prize winner will win a set of Chapman Centenary Editions, something I would love to get for myself, the 3rd Prize winner will receive a copy of the current issue of Chapman:

Chapman publishes the best in Scottish and international writing – new work by both well-known and new writers, and readable, enlightening critical discussion. We promote energetic ideas and approaches, always with an eye to the future. While our central commitment is to Scottish literature, Chapman is increasingly international, and writers the world over jostle to get into its pages. Chapman 61–62 celebrated our 20th anniversary with an International Festival of Writing and, since then, Catalan, Irish, Hungarian, Bengali, Spanish – and many other literatures have featured in translation.

Chapman’s intervention in cultural issues has been decisive. No 35-6, Scotland: A Predicament for the Scottish Writer sparked a huge debate about culture and politics; No 43–44 on Scottish Theatre helped create a new drive for the Scottish National Theatre which now exists; the Women’s Forum (74–77) updated our pioneering 1980 survey on women in the arts in Scotland. Our most impressive recent achievement has been the Centenary editions (100-104) which celebrate the many writers who have appeared over more than 30 years, and amounts to a showcase of contemporary Scottish writing. English, Scots and Gaelic appear in every issue, reflecting the linguistic diversity of Scotland.

I like Chapman, it really is a literary magazine worth supporting:

Chapman publishes the best in Scottish writing – new work by well-known Scottish writers in the context of lucid critical discussion. With our commitment to the future, we energetically promote new writers, new ideas and approaches. Several issues have been landmarks in their field, in Scots language, women's writing, cultural politics in Scotland, and we have published extensive features on important writers: Hugh MacDiarmid, Hamish Henderson, Ian Hamilton Finlay, Tom Scott, Naomi Mitchison, Edwin and Willa Muir and Alasdair Gray and others – making a big difference to the reputation and status of these writers. And, as an extension of all this, we began the Chapman New Writing Series, to provide publication in book form for those gifted contributors who richly deserved such support but, given the climate, were unlikely to get it elsewhere.

Take a look at subscribing here, or find out more about them here.

I am delighted that Chapman have been so generous with their support for the Prize, thank you Chapman!

New Prize: Membership of the ASLS!

2009-07-15T11:21:00.008+01:00

This is a GREAT prize, for the winners of the Glasgow Student Short Story Prize! It comes from the Association for Scottish Literary Studies, who aim to promote the study, teaching and writing of Scottish literature, and to further the study of the languages of Scotland.

The ASLS are awarding prizes to all prize winners: the First Prize winner will get a student membership to the ASLS, plus a copy of New Writing Scotland, and the two runners-up will also get copies of New Writing Scotland!

Firstly, I have a student membership, and I've been surprised by just how much you get in a year - all of this:

	Two issues of Scottish Studies Review (formerly the Scottish Literary Journal) – essential reading for anyone interested in Scottish literature and culture;
	One issue of Scottish Language – in-depth studies of Scottish languages and dialects, past and present;
	Two issues of ScotLit – a newsletter packed with relevant articles, information on events and con

Student members are also entitled to a 30% discount on all other ASLS publications. A membership is a really substantial help to a new writer. Thank you to the ASLS!

Secondly, the anthology all our winners will recieve is called 'In the Event of Fire - New Writing Scotland 27', and is edited by Alan Bissett and Liz Niven. It will be out on the 1st August, and is sure to be the best ever NWS yet (and yes, I am saying that purely because I have a short story in there!).

“New Writing Scotland remains the most accurate barometer
of new trends in Scottish writing.” – Simon Hall, The Herald

The book will be for sale in all good real or virtual bookshops come August. It's available for early order now from The Book Depository at £5.96, with free delivery worldwide. As of August, it will also be available to order through the Association for Scottish Literary Studies website.

There are only 6 days left to enter the prize now!

The Mathematics of Margerine

2009-07-15T10:23:00.008+01:00

I just got an email. This is its subject:

'Buy margarine earn 76p'

I don't know which spam-bot thought I should be informed of this Tesco margarine loophole. At some point in my life, I must have given out the impression to the universe that I needed this information, that I was the kind of person whose condiments and consumables are carefully considered, and what's more, an investment. Really, the kind of person who would get this email is quite the budding entrepreneur.

Now I have the email, I can't stop thinking that maybe I should go to Tesco. This is some sort of challenge. I could win some sort of award for my investment nous. People will walk past me in the street and go 'OH, it's the margerine tycoon! She's such an eligible batchelor-ette. The margarine magnate! What a mogul!' I will command hushed respect for the rest of my life.

Mmm. A quandary. Well, I am broke, but, I don't eat margarine. I would have to find some other purpose for my margarine, like donating it to strangers, or using it as hair conditioner (I have just run out). And I would have to buy a lot of margarine to really, you know, earn. Like 'earn', in a significant enough value to earn italics. You don't really earn 76p, do you. You earn £10,000. I suppose though, it depends what you do for that 76p. I think, in my time, I have really had to earn 76p.

I can see a rainbow

2009-07-11T20:44:00.007+01:00

These images simply cheer me up. A lot. They are by Dutch artist and illustrator, Merijn Hos. I stumbled across them on a blog I like, and now I keep clicking on Mr Hos's website in a quest for colour and clarity. In a dream world, Mr Hos would design my book cover.

Firstly, I will write the book.

Secondly, I will proposition Mr Hos.

That is the two part plan.

Things could not be simpler.

Two Ravens Press Prizes!

2009-07-11T20:27:00.007+01:00

Two brilliant new prizes for the Glasgow Student Short Story Prize from Two Ravens Press! The First Prize winner will get copies of their two latest short story collections:

Fighting It, by Regi Claire
Summary, from the Introduction by Louise Welsh

A woman revolutionary, a woman in prison, a husband seeking revenge, a child driven to sin – they are all ‘fighting it’, battling to retain their belief in themselves.

No mere slices of life, the stories in this second collection by award-winning Scottish-Swiss author Regi Claire have the range and depth of whole novels. They give voice to men and women who seem otherwise condemned to suffer in silence and whose struggles we recognise as our own. Sometimes with humour, sometimes in despair they cry out, clamouring for our attention. Claire’s prose is edgy and vibrant and, whether set in the ice-cool beauty of the Swiss mountains, the heat of Tenerife, the urban frenzy of Paris, Zurich or Edinburgh, her tales are at once deeply disturbing and almost unbearably compassionate.

Praise for Regi Claire:

‘Regi Claire is a writer of compassion and determination. Her stories are filled with the details of pain and physical bewilderment and leavened with tenderness.’ A. L. Kennedy

‘Sharp, intense and almost frighteningly perceptive.’ Lesley Glaister, Sunday Herald

‘What she certainly has is the storyteller’s gift.’ Edwin Morgan

‘Claire’s writing is taut yet supple, bursting with exotic images, not a single one of which seems superfluous. She’s sharp as a scalpel, and compassionate too. Instruct your bookseller to order one for you and a dozen for the shop.’
Nicholas Royle, Time Out

‘Never insipid, full of imagination.’ Times Literary Supplement

The Floating Order, by Erin Pringle

The Floating Order is a unique and innovative collection of stories. Erin Pringle’s world is filled with the dreamlike, nightmarish narratives of children: children in danger, children at the mercy of their parents, children in all kinds of trouble. Children who continually rise, return, and haunt the pages.

Praise for Erin Pringle:

“Erin Pringle’s stories are true wonders – a beautiful mix of intimate feeling, thick syntax, and dangerous language.” Michael Kimball

“Erin Pringle’s prose scoots from sentence to sentence, invokes an aphoristic, non sequitur hopscotch composition strategy of familiar defamiliarization. It is no mean achievement to sustain such a story-like lyricism over the long haul of a book-length collection. This is a remarkable debut. A keeper that keeps keeping on.” Michael Martone

“The stories in Erin Pringle’s first collection possess the charm of fairy tales, the wisdom of poems, the hope of prayers, the weight of eulogies, and the intimacy of letters home. There’s an old soul at the center of this book, an old soul with a passionate, lyrical, exhilarating new voice.” Tom Noyes

'A collection of rather disturbing short stories. "Enjoyed" really wouldn't be the right word. "Impressed" would be nearer the mark.' Scott Pack, The Friday Project

Find out more about Erin Pringle (including an interview about writing, reading, and inspiration) here. Erin also has a blog 'What She Might Think'.

Thank you, Two Ravens Press!

HappenStance!

2009-07-11T20:11:00.012+01:00

What is HappenStance?

It's primarily a pamphlet imprint originated and independently run by Helena Nelson. If you'd like the full story, you'll find it in The HappenStance Story: Chapter 1. HappenStance also publishes Sphinx, a magazine featuring news, views and articles about independent poetry publishing, essential reading for anyone who wants to get their poetry published.

Enormous thanks to HappenStance, who are very generously awarding the following prizes to the winners of The Glasgow Student Short Story Prize:

The First Prize Winner: Will win a HappenStance Subscription, plus the STORY anthologies from the last two years, and How (Not) to Get Your Poetry Published, (containing lots of useful advice for any one looking at publication for the first time). The subscription includes a copy of HappenStance Story Chapter 3, a poetry pamphlet of your choice, 25% off all publications for a year, launch invites, postcards and a BADGE!

Second and Third Prize Winners: The last two year's STORY anthologies and a copy of How (Not) to Get Your Poetry Published.

HappenStance are running a great competition that has caught my eye, mainly because it's judged by no less than the brilliant Janice Galloway, but also because it it offers free checkbox critique feedback, which sounds pretty useful:

STORY - the International short story competition from HappenStance Press.

Hurray for the third short story competition from HappenStance!

First prize: £150

Second prize: £75

Third prize: £50

Judge: Janice Galloway is one of Scotland's best-known, most versatile writers. Author of short story collections Blood and Where You Find It, she writes across a range of forms including novels, song cycles, plays, poetry - even an opera libretto. Her recent memoir, This is Not About Me, is brilliant. Read it!

Theme: There isn't one. Any topic. Any subject.

Length: 2,500 words (maximum).

Entry fee: £5.00 per story (£6 online entry).

Closing date: Saturday, August 9th, 2009.

I also like the fact that there is no theme (just like my Prize!), so you're free to explore any topic, any subject.

Take a look at the site here and the online shop too: highly recommended.

A massive thank you to HappenStance, a truly generous and supportive publisher.

There will be time

2009-07-11T05:43:00.009+01:00

This is an inspiring website: contrariwise - literary tattoos. I love it. I have spent a lot of time on this site. I keep looking up the poems people slice quotes from onto their bodies. I don't have tattoos, but I do find them fascinating. Even tramp stamps. Even the phrase 'tramp stamps' . Everything about them is odd. Have a look at this essay on 'the human canvas', by Margot Mifflin, and this great quote:

“It’s personal socialism, lad...Everyone’s included, everyone gets to look in to a person and share them, like what they see or not…. Oh aye, and I’ll tell you this, lad: a tattoo says more of a fellow looking at it than it can do of the man who’s got it on his back.”

—Sarah Hall, The Electric Michelangelo

Come September, and time to read more, I will be very happy. I've just read a review of an intriguing sounding book I have to read, 'The Blue Tattoo: The Life of Olive Oatman' by Margot Mifflin:

The biography of a 19th-century Mormon pioneer who became a celebrity after she was captured as a 13 year old, raised, and tattooed on the face by Southwest Indians, then ransomed back five years later.

For today though, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock is just what I need though, and I'm grateful to contrariwise for making me think of it, read it. Deadlines are near and I am worried I don't have time.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

Today, I am being...

2009-07-10T11:34:00.001+01:00

Today I'm going to be...

2009-07-08T09:21:00.002+01:00

Lovely New Prize from Nuala Ní Chonchúir!

2009-07-07T19:00:00.010+01:00

Now here is a prize close to my heart: I am delighted to announce this prize, which will be given to the first prize winner of the Glasgow Student Short Story Prize!

Irish writer Nuala Ní Chonchúir is the author of two short fiction collections and two poetry collections. Her third short story collection, Nude, will be published by Salt in September 2009.

Nuala also writes of one of my 'must read' blogs, 'Women Rule Writer':

Nuala is generously giving the winner of the prize all three of her short story collections, which will be signed sealed and delivered to the winner (along with a fantastic stash of goodies, including Waterstone's book vouchers, a signed copy of AL Kennedy's 'What Becomes' and tickets to AL Kennedy's comedy show Words!).

As well as receiving a signed copy of brand new release Nude in September , here are details of the other two collections the lucky winner will get:

The Wind Across the Grass

To The World Of Men, Welcome

Lovely books! Many, many many thanks to Nuala for helping the prize, and for her joyous encouragment and generous support to new short story writers.

Salt: New Prizes!

2009-07-07T18:11:00.010+01:00

I'm happy to announce some fantastic new prizes for the Glasgow Student Short Story Prize winner!

Salt have been in the news and all over blogs and tweets in the past few months, as everyone works hard spreading the word: 'keep independent publishing alive and buy just one book' (take a look here to keep up with how things are going).

Salt support some of my favourite short story writers, help keep short stories thriving, and generally just publish some simply unique books. It's a pleasure to pass on the good news that the winner of the Prize will receive a subscription to to Salt’s Story Bank, which will provide them with new short story collections for a whole year!

The winner will receive the following benefits:

Four luxury, first edition, hardback books, selected for them by the Editor, and delivered to them post-free
30% discount on ALL Salt books, including the full range of short stories, poetry and critical books
A FREE copy of the highly-acclaimed Sawn-off Tales by David Gaffney

Special offers and subscriber-only benefits

As Salt say:

Each Story Bank cased edition is beautifully typeset in Gerard Unger’s Swift, and comes with a matt-laminated jacket designed by leading design agency The Cover Factory. Every copy is foil blocked with coloured endpapers and is printed in Britain on Vancouver Cream Bookwove paper.

Now that sounds like some fancy pants paper!

I am hoping for a subscription for my birthday in September, failing that, I will snaffle myself a subscription, because I'm worth it (I am swishing my hair...*now*).

psedoantidisestablishmentarianism

2009-07-07T00:42:00.007+01:00

So, you need to look at this website.

If I taught a kid who could write like this, I would contact the New Yorker pronto, then give them A *'s all the way to University. I think this kid is called 'Peter Nguyen', and he also wrote the four essay's at the end of the article, surely.

Umch

2009-07-06T12:25:00.001+01:00

Who invented meringue? Someone bloody lucky because they got to eat the first one and come up with the name. In fact, it sounds as if they initially uttered the name during the first mouthful.

Which would make a good blanket law: all new food inventions must be named immediately by the inventor while they're experiencing the inaugural gobful, to give a more accurate impression of what it actually tastes and feels like. After all, "biscuit" doesn't really describe the sensation of a biscuit. In any properly run universe, a biscuit would be called an "umch".

Charlie Brooker, today's Guardian

Get Excited and Make Things

2009-07-03T13:05:00.001+01:00

Matt Jones made this print. It's nice. Makes me want to make things.

July thoughts...

2009-07-03T11:51:00.005+01:00

Wish I was in Venice for many reasons, mainly to stand on top of this Miranda July sculpture and have my picture taken.

After a outright horrible and stress filled June dealing with car accident fallout, I have returned to mass of emails (sorry if anyone has sent me an email in June - I am going to be getting replys sorted this coming week) and a vast mass of empty unwritten pages.

But some progress has been made. This weeks reading...

...was supposed to consist of 'Fighting It' by Regi Clare, but I cannot stop thinking about Miranda July this week, take a look at her websites. I had a read of one of her stories published in Zoetrope here, and have now ordered her short story book second hand: looking forward to a good read. Watched the whole of her film Me, You and Everyone We Know, too (I watched half of it a year ago and gave up) and still didn't quite get it. Although all the references to pooping were pretty hilarious. Yes, pooping is funny.

What else. Check out the free podcasts in the New Yorker if you havn't yet. Excellent. Plus a short story by Lorrie Moore to read. I've read the three stories in The Paris Review that were nominated 2008 National Magazine Award - take a look here. I liked the airy empty space conjured up in “Icebergs” by Alistair Morgan.

Fuck - Kim Addonizio

2009-07-02T09:44:00.006+01:00

Thank you to DramaQueen at Mountains of Molehills for this.

Fuck

There are people who will tell you
that using the word fuck in a poem
indicates a serious lapse
of taste, or imagination,

or both. It's vulgar,
indecorous, an obscenity
that crashes down like an anvil
falling through a skylight

to land on a restaurant table,
on the white linen, the cut-glass vase of lilacs.
But if you were sitting
over coffee when the metal

hit your saucer like a missile,
wouldn't that be the first thing
you'd say? Wouldn't you leap back
shouting, or at least thinking it,

over and over, bell-note riotously clanging
in the church of your brain
while the solicitous waiter
led you away, wouldn't you prop

your shaking elbows on the bar
and order your first drink in months,
telling yourself you were lucky
to be alive? And if you wouldn't

say anything but Mercy or Oh my
or Land sakes, well then
I don't want to know you anyway
and I don't give a fuck what you think

of my poem. The world is divided
into those whose opinions matter
and those who will never have
a clue, and if you knew

which one you were I could talk
to you, and tell you that sometimes
there's only one word that means
what you need it to mean, the way

there's only one person
when you first fall in love,
or one infant's cry that calls forth
the burning milk, one name

that you pray to when prayer
is what's left to you. I'm saying
in the beginning was the word
and it was good, it meant one human

entering another and it's still
what I love, the word made
flesh. Fuck me, I say to the one
whose lovely body I want close,

and as we fuck I know it's holy,
a psalm, a hymn, a hammer
ringing down on an anvil,
forging a whole new world.

Kim Addonizio has three collections of poetry, most recently Tell Me, which was a National Book Award Finalist. Her other books include the forthcoming Dorothy Parker's Elbow: Tattoos on Writers, Writers on Tattoos, an anthology co-edited with Cheryl Dumesnil. She says, "My poem 'Fuck' was inspired by Tony Hoagland's 'Dickhead.' That poem closes – if memory serves – 'I made a word my friend.' Fuck and I have been close for lo these many years. At my funeral, I hope someone will stand up and say I was a great fucking poet. And if not, that at least I was a great fuck.

Here's some more info should you fancy a book shopping spree:

Addonizio's first novel, Little Beauties, was published by Simon & Schuster in 2005. Her second book entitled My Dreams are Out on the Street was released in July 2007. She is also the author of four collections of poetry: What is this Thing Called Love (Norton, 2004), Tell MeJimmy & Rita (BOA Editions, 1997), and The Philosopher's Club (BOA Editions, 1994). With Dorianne Laux, she is the co-author of The Poet's Companion: A Guide to the Pleasures of Writing Poetry (1997). A new craft book, Ordinary Genius, was released by W.W. Norton in 2009. (BOA Editions, 2000),

Her poem, "Verities", originally published in Poetry magazine, was included in The Best American Poetry 2006, guest edited by Billy Collins. Among her awards are a Pushcart Prize, a 2000 National Book Award nomination for her third book of poetry entitled Tell Me, a fellowship from the National Endowment for the Arts, and a 2005 Guggenheim Fellowship.

I like her article in Poetry Daily, 'How to Succeed in Po Biz'; here's her intro to the step by step guide I will be following:

Many writers harbor the desire to become successful poets and rise to the top of their profession. To see one's name on the cover of a slender paperback, to have tens and perhaps even hundreds of readers, to ascend to a lecture podium in a modest-sized auditorium after being introduced by the less successful poet who has been introduced in turn by an earnest graduate student unsure of the pronunciation of your name—these are heady rewards. Beyond these lie the true grail: generous grants, an endowed chair at a university, the big money that will allow you to write and remodel your kitchen, while freeing you from reading the incoherent ramblings of inferior wannabes. How can you realize your dreams? Follow this step-by-step advice.

From Glasgow to Saturn Issue 15!

2009-07-02T08:56:00.003+01:00

Issue 15 of From Glasgow to Saturn is online now - I suggest starting off by reading

Generic Love Story

by Kevin B. MacNeil

Remember this. It is darkling in my mind. The moon is a full and dazzling yolk-yellow in the cloudless sky and all of the little attendant stars seem to twinkle brighter in reply. Like pieces of glass sparkling on a black road - in the startling beam from a single unbroken headlight - in the stunned moments of silence after a terrible accident. No. Forget that part.

It is a warm night with a cool breeze, and my body responds gratefully to the almost Mediterranean perfection of the temperature and humidity. And all of this little world is very quiet – hush – save for the gentle hiss of the sea – hush – washing up gently on the shore – hush - in the darkness just beyond us - hush. We can imagine the blanket of foam sending delicate silvery tendrils of dwindling strength up the dark sand of the shore, yearning for our bodies. Then a long intake of breath as it retreats back into the sea. Then another quiet sigh.

Laura, you and I are in the hollow cup of a shallow dune, sheltered from the rawer breeze rolling in off the sea. Perhaps I have just made a trivial remark – say, that it feels as though we have landed in a crater on some wonderful, warm moon – but now I am watching you talk. You are telling the story that I love, the one about your sister and the yellow wellington boots. You are lying on one side, your head propped up by your right arm (your left hand lies delicately upon my chest), speaking quietly and looking down into my eyes. Your long dark hair falls down around your supporting hand, through your fingers, showing in relief against the pale skin of your arm like a haphazard art nouveau pattern. The very slight breeze moves your hair softly against your wrist and forearm. It must be tickling you a little.

Read the rest of the story here.

Hungry Hungry Hippo

2009-06-25T12:53:00.004+01:00

Good news! I found out yesterday I'm to have a short story (called Moment of Silence) published in the Glasgow University MLitt in Creative Writing anthology. The book is provisionally titled 'Hunger', and all the stories are roughly themed around this word. These MLitt anthologies have been published for a good few years now (I first remember being aware of them because of the posters for Outside of a Dog, stuck up all around the Glasgow subway system in 2006). I liked that book, I will be re-reading it. And from then on in 2006 I wanted to be in one, so it's a nice bonus from the MLitt to be a part of this book this year.

I have last years anthology 'Let's Pretend - 37 Stories about (in)fidelity', and it is a good read - a bit of a juddering read if I remember rightly, lots of very short stories that leave you with that splintery short sharp shock feeling you can get with an anthology, when your brain jolts quickly around different literary landscapes and throws you around and boots you off a cliff and leaves you hanging and all in all makes you feel sort of tumble dried or like you have rolled down a hill. For fun to start with, then it gets a bit painful, a little stone cuts you and a twig pokes you in the ass , then you feel dizzy, a bit sick, then its fun again briefly, before you hit the bottom, and you're done. If that makes sense, which it almost certainly doesn't. When I get back to Glasgow I will have to have a re-read of this one, too. I think the key to reading anthologies for me might be to take it slow, read one a day or something, instead of the whole lot in a few hours. That should stop the madness.

Here's what Ian Rankin said about last years anthology:

These stories form as strong a collection as I’ve read in a decade or more. Each and every story has something to offer, and the collection as a whole rekindles my enthusiasm for the short story as a meaningful form.

Ian Rankin

Which is nice. I hope this years anthology matches that standard!

Paul Muldoon and something about tea

2009-06-21T20:27:00.001+01:00

Paul Muldoon

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

Stephen Colbert in Iraq

'So, you're a poet. Do you make a living from that, or do you have some kind of job on the side...?' Stephen Colbert

Slightly disturbing times...

2009-06-21T14:12:00.013+01:00

There is not much blogging going on due to a really bad car accident a family member was in a couple of weeks ago. I'm planning to be getting back to thinking about writing and reading and blogging with more focus at some point, but probably not June, as I'm travelling too much. In the meantime, I have nipped back to Glasgow to collect my laptop, and find mouldy food, council tax demands, and - hooray something nice! - the proofs for 'In the Event of Fire' waiting for me. The layout looks lovely, nice clean typography, and text sort of right justified on the page (by which I mean there is a substantial white space to the left, like a margin), which is looks really smart, quite unusual. Finally, I also found a link to my blog from A L Kennedy calling iluvwords a 'slightly disturbing blog'. I aim to make the reader puke blood, but slightly disturbing people will satisfy me.

So, a pretty disturbing few weeks. Howcome every B&B I've stayed in over the past few weeks (3, but it feels like more...) makes life so much harder? Is it too much to ask for a room that doesn't come with free dirty 1970's print children's pajamas already inside the bed (how creepy is that? Kept me up all night thinking of the kid in The Shining). OK, Drive safely, and stay disturbed.

This looks good

2009-06-11T14:20:00.005+01:00

This summer, the Bodleian Library in Oxford will celebrate the art and craft of bookbinding through two major exhibitions. An Artful Craft: Historic Bookbindings from the Broxbourne Library and other collections features masterpieces from two of the greatest bookbinding collections of the 20th century: the Broxbourne Library collected by Albert Ehrman (1890-1969) and the Wormsley Library formed by Sir Paul Getty (1932-2003). It also draws on other world-renowned historic collections in the Bodleian.

And Bound for Success: Designer Bookbinders International Competition 2009 showcases 117 shortlisted submissions out of 240 entries in the first Designer Bookbinders International Competition. Entrants representing 29 countries offer highly creative and surprisingly diverse interpretations on the theme of water.

The Bodleian is delighted to have the opportunity to demonstrate the way bookbindings reflect major social, artistic and historical trends.

Richard Ovenden

The first exhibition treats bookbindings as piece of art in their own right, as things worthy of curiosity and admiration. It celebrates the creativity of bookbinders across the centuries and cultures. It will feature the extraordinary range of the craft of the bookbinder, using materials as diverse as straw, leather, wood, ivory and gemstones.

The free exhibition also demonstrates how Islamic bookbinding styles influenced the way books looked in the West for over five hundred years. It reveals how bookbinding developed from being a craft practised by unsung individuals in the Middle Ages, to being a vehicle for artistic expression by some of the greatest artists of the 19th and 20th centuries.

The Broxbourne Library comprises of more than 2000 bindings. It became part of the Bodleian collections in 1979, when it was donated to the Library by John Ehrman, Albert’s son. The exhibition will be running in the Exhibition Room from tomorrow (Friday 12 June) until 31 October.

The second free exhibition uses a variety of media, with the exhibits representing a wide assortment of modern approaches to the art of the hand-bound book. An Israeli book incorporates sprinklers and irrigation tubes, a French binder uses a real bath plug in his design, whilst an Estonian binder sews their book with a fishing line on perch and pike skin.

The first Sir Paul Getty Bodleian Bookbinding Prize will be awarded to the first two winners. The exhibition runs from tomorrow until 1 August in the Proscholium. Both shows run from 9am until 5pm during the week and 9am until 4.30pm on Saturdays.

Richard Ovenden, Keeper of Special Collections and Associate Director, Bodleian Library, is one of the judging panel. He said: ‘Bookbindings are an often overlooked aspect of our past. The Bodleian is delighted to have the opportunity to demonstrate the way bookbindings reflect major social, artistic and historical trends. We are also pleased to exhibit some of the great treasures in the Broxbourne Library – one the most important gifts to the Bodleian in recent times’

In the Event of Fire - NWS 27

2009-06-03T10:54:00.008+01:00

My very first short story, 'Green Line', will be published in this appropriately green book in August!

The anthology is called 'In the Event of Fire - New Writing Scotland 27', and is edited by Alan Bissett and Liz Niven. It will be out on the 1st August. I like the title of the anthology a lot - I quite like the cover too.

Cool!

The book will be for sale in all good real or virtual bookshops come August. It's available for early order now from The Book Depository at £5.96, with free delivery worldwide. As of August, it will also be available to order through the Association for Scottish Literary Studies website.

WORDS with A. L.Kennedy

2009-06-02T01:17:00.016+01:00

I saw A.L.Kennedy at the Aye Write Festival in Glasgow earlier this year and was blown away by her energy - her wry, honest style of delving into language revealed a lifelong passion for words, as well as demonstrating that the business of choosing words and putting them down on the page in best possible order is one of the most exciting things any human being ever gets to do. And we all have this ability – to read, speak and write millions of lovely words, and generally do whatever the hell we like with them; the opportunities are endless! As a writer, it was a thoroughly inspirational performance, as well as being damn funny.

It was the rousing, motivating swerve to the show that has stayed with me over the past few months since Aye Write. It was refreshing to hear a writer speak with frankness and clarity (and absolutely no pretence) about the business of day to day life lived through words; about how words can make you desire them, and chase them around the world from hotel room to festival to book, and what it’s like when you do catch up with them, and get to play games with them for a living. I always like it when people don't defer to words in that dry, academic way, and instead embrace them, respect them enough to challenge them have fun by unravelling their own minds with them. I was delighted then, to go along yesterday evening to a preview of WORDS, A.L.Kennedy's new show, performed at the CCA in aid of the Scottish Writer's Centre. The show was damn funny and packed with new insights. I had a great time. The evening was also an added opportunity to hear more about the Scottish Writer's Centre, which does not exist in a bricks and mortar institution yet, but soon will with more support and the continued hard work of their lovely team, who have this to say about the project :

The Scottish Writers' Centre will be a focal point for Scottish writers and writing, the first dedicated literature venue of its kind in Scotland. Our aim is to provide a social arena where writers can meet and share ideas and experiences and a facility providing basic services for writers - dedicated performance and workshop space, writing pods, cafe, writer's flat and bookshop.

The centre aims to support and promote the work of Scottish writers and provide an international showcase space for Scottish literature. It will offer a regular programme of live events and workshops, along with activities such as schools programmes, community publishing workshops, literary consultancy and an annual writing fellowship.

Great idea, and much needed. Take a look at their new blog, and give them the support they deserve.

This year “WORDS with A.L.Kennedy” will be appearing at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, which runs from the 6th - 31st August. The programme will be launched on the 10th June, go here for details. I cannot recommend the show enough – it is inspirational and it will make you laugh. You will look at the shapes words take in the air and feel the heat of them; breath them, and walk home with them rumbling around in your brain. It's a very clever show.

You can take a look at A.L.Kennedy's website for updates on performances coming up this summer.

Coincidentally, I also enjoyed hearing Two Ravens Press speak at Aye Write back in March - and upon clicking on TRP's excellent blog last week, I found Sharon had seen a preview of A.L. Kennedy's show at the Ullapool book festival and had summed up the WORDS experience to perfection:

'I’m accustomed to thinking of her as a very dark, often quite bleak writer, so it was a revelation to find her standing on the stage in a one-woman show acting for all the world like a stand-up comic. And AL Kennedy can be wonderfully – and intelligently – funny, but somehow there’s a hint of darkness that shines through still. The show is entitled ‘Words’ and apparently is heading for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this year. If you have a chance to be there, be there. It was one of the greatest inspirations for other writers that I’ve ever read. AL Kennedy lives words, lives writing, is passionate about the power of both – and it shines through everything that she says and everything that she appears to be.

I was left, an hour later, with a lot to think about. But my immediate reaction to it was that this is why so many aspiring writers fail, or why so many published writers fail to be great. It takes passion, it takes dedication, it takes a way of living words and stories. Being them. Not just sitting down for an hour or two here and there to write a story, not sitting down and thinking ‘I want to be a writer; what can I write?’ – but having a love for words careening through every part of you, so that writing becomes less a question of what you do than of what you are.'

I second that.

It’s always enjoy reading the Two Ravens Press blog; they describe it as a blog about 'life as a small literary publisher in the middle of nowhere- or the centre of the universe, depending on your perspective', and it's always full of intelligent ideas and links, and their own unique take on the publishing industry. A blog post of theirs I have been thinking about a lot lately was 'A Shortfall in Short Stories' which looks at the question of who reads short stories - and whether short stories sell - or not. This month TRP are launching two new short story collections, Fighting It by Regi Claire and The Floating Order by Erin Pringle, two books which I know I will be buying, as I enjoyed Cleave: New Writing by Women in Scotland, a recent anthology compiled by the press (and I just generally like the ethos of Two Ravens Press so I want to support them).

I love short stories, both reading and writing them, and they are very much on my mind at the moment because of the launch of the Glasgow Student Short Story Prize! The prize has been founded to support and encourage new writing talent in Glasgow, and promote the wider reading and writing of short stories in the city - and as such, we are encouraging students of any subject, studying at any University in Glasgow to write a story of under 1000 words and enter it to win great prizes, including publication in From Glasgow to Saturn in August. One of the best prizes will go to the first prize winner, who will receive a signed copy of A.L.Kennedy's 'What Becomes', a new short story collection available from the 6th August. Here is a teaser:

Always attuned to the moment of epiphany, these twelve stories are profound, intimate observations of men and women whose lives ache with possibility - each story a dramatisation of the instant in a life that exposes it all; love and the lack of love, hope and the lack of hope.

These men and women are perfectly ordinary people - whose marriages founder, who sit on their own in a cinema watching a film with no soundtrack; who risk sex in a hotel with an anonymous stranger. They conceal tenderness and disappointment, vulnerability and longing, griefs and wonders - and, with each of them, Kennedy finds and opens up that extraordinary emotional wound, that insight into their experiences; like the woman in "Saturday Teatime" who tries to relax in a flotation tank, before her memories hijack her, taking her back to last weekend's party - to a boy with a hamster, and his lecherous father - and then further back to another Saturday, when she was nine years old and the troubling of her life began.

A.L.Kennedy's fifth remarkable collection of short stories shows us exactly what becomes of the broken-hearted. She reveals the sadness, violence, hurt and terror, but also the redemption of love - and she does so with the enormous human compassion, wild leaps of humour, and the brilliantly original linguistic skill that distinguishes her as one of Britain's finest writers."

You can listen to A.L.Kennedy reading one of these short stories by following the links here. I am very much looking forward to reading 'What Becomes', and I'm delighted that A.L.Kennedy is supporting the Glasgow Student Short Story Prize by generously awarding a signed copy to our first prize winner!

So....Is there really a shortfall in short stories? Are people really saying they like them, but just not buying the books? This seems odd. I found 'the mythology that no one is interested' mentioned in the Two Ravens Press blog post to be spot on - maybe there is just too much silence - too many 'visibility issues' - making the failure of many short story collections a self fulfilling prophecy? If you do love short stories then, say it loud, say it proud! Read them, buy them, talk about them, blog about them - and if you want to, write them!

From Glasgow to Saturn Prize Launch!

2009-06-01T23:31:00.002+01:00

Read all about the Glasgow Student Short Story prize - info is up on the FGtS website now, plus take a look at the newest special Flash Fiction edition while you are passing through... Many thanks to fantastic webmaster Rebecca Bradburd for putting all this information on the FGtS website - it looks great!

WORDS - A L Kennedy

2009-06-01T17:57:00.000+01:00

Tonight, Glasgow, CCA!

"words, words, words – they’re life-altering, mind-bending and almost impossible to hit with a hammer. A.L. Kennedy distills almost a quarter of a century’s typing (she started young) into approximately 55 minutes. Why poetry gets imprisoned, why Shakespeare holds your breath, why Tasmania can be a nightmare. Change your mind, change your story and quite possibly change the world – a poignant and hilarious new show from Costa award-winning writer."

From Munro to Loch

2009-05-31T17:52:00.007+01:00

Zounds, I have got an Mp3 player at last! I've wanted one for ages, but I'm broke and trying not to buy books, or indeed anything much (But - I did just buy Sylvia Plath's Collected Poems after reading Wuthering Heights, and Vegan With a Vengeance after getting sick of living on beans and hoping vengeance will be mine when I make that extra special Beany Quinoa Croquette) . And yes I do realise that if I am sick of eating beans, I could eat meat. I don't want to. I eat the beans because they are nice and cheap and and it's the right thing to do for me. But being a bit broke means beans are too dominant and I miss Tofu and mushroom veggie burgers and fresh veggies and delicacies like fruits nuts and berries.... Where was I? The MP3 player is a much appreciated gift, and now I can finally listen to free books! Free is good. Money is bad. That's my theory. It's very complex. Of course, if you have any excess money you don't want, I would be delighted to spend it in Quinoa for the Croquette feasts I can't afford now I have purchased too many books.

The sun is shining, so I'm off for a walk in the park and a listen to something.

And with short story writer Alice Munro winning the £60,000 Man Booker International prize this week, I thought it would be nice to find something of hers out there to make my walk more than just avoiding eye contact with the hammered and puking masses of Glasgow Green.

This makes me sound very misanthropic, and I am, but it really is like that out there today. It's hot, and hot and Glasgow equals amplification - of drugs, drink and violence (and screaming bands of fluorescent teens hurling cider vomit and flesh all over the place). I may be simplifying, but not by much. Why can't everyone be a solitary alcoholic like me, hurting only themselves, quietly, with a confused smile?

I went swimming in Loch Lomond yesterday it's so hot, and it was brilliant - invigorating, refreshing. Cold water, blue sky. But then I got home and read that they fished two bodies out of Loch Awe today, and the whole experience seems a little less magical somehow. Even if fishing for humans is funny. The water was very very cold to swim in, with some freezing patches. Must have been a cold way to go. At the time it seemed nice, attractive. There were lots of Carling beer cans underwater, phosphorescent green like fake seaweed in a tropical fishtank which added a exotic air to the swim, as did the frisson of avoiding the broken beer bottles on my return to shore. I felt quite the adventuress. There was also an empty (I assume) giant white rubber glove there, still and heavy on the sand, which sort of unnerved me as I swam around it in magnetic circles, like it was a poisonous jellyfish I had to avoid, yet felt strangely attracted to. And then I got out, sat in the sun and annoyed legions of curious, fat black beetles by flicking them off my legs, arms, bag and book for an hour while I kept worrying about the glove and why its so wrong to have one under foot as you swim, ready to grab your ankle, pull you under and drown you. Stuff like that. Then I went home and watched Die Hard.

It was a very British kind of day out.

This is why I don't write a journal. I find people who write journals inexplicable and utterly fascinating. If I tried I would sound totally inauthentic, as if I was impersonating myself, and I would end each days entry with 'and then I watched Die Hard', which would hardly make me feel any better about anything.

Anyway - Alice Munro. Barnes & Noble is offering nine audiobooks free, they are MP3 files you can download. One of them is 'Fathers' by Alice Munro. The others include Laura Lippman, Kurt Vonnegut, Louis L'Amour, Junot Diaz, Jonathan Lethem and Mark Twain.

Glasgow Student Short Story Prize

2009-05-28T15:36:00.005+01:00

It's been a very busy month or so, setting up the Glasgow Student Short Story Prize! My idea is to find and vigorously promote new writing talent in Glasgow; and more broadly, to support the wider writing and reading of short stories and flash fiction in our Universities. This year Glasgow, next year the world (or, maybe, Scotland!).

There are great prizes, including vouchers and signed books, and a signed first edition of A L Kennedy's new book of short stories 'What Becomes'. All winners and shortlisted entries will be published in the August 2009 edition of From Glasgow to Saturn, the literary journal of Glasgow University . I'll be announcing our very exciting guest judge soon!

If you are a student in Glasgow, enter and let us read your short stories!

If you are based in Glasgow, or know those who might be interested in promoting or being a part of Scotland's newest literary prize, please do spread the word. I am looking for ways to get the word out about this new prize.

The deadline is 20th July, the word limit is just 1000 words and there is no minimum word count. The competition is open to all undergraduate and postgraduate students studying at a University in Glasgow. This includes Glasgow University, Strathclyde University, Glasgow Caledonian, Glasgow School of Art and the Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama.

Ok - don't hesitate to post a comment or contact me if you have any thoughts or pointers for the short story prize in its first year! It's a big task, wish me luck...

And, students: I look forward to reading your entries!

New Writing Talent: Richard Scott Pye

2009-05-28T10:53:00.004+01:00

Image from Dream Anatomy Gallery: National Library of Medicine

Every couple of weeks, I will be blogging about some of the 'New Writing Talent' that has been published in From Glasgow to Saturn, the creative writing magazine at Glasgow University. Some immensely talented writers are being published each month: the magazine publishes the best short works by members of the university community, studying any subject. This means writers from a large range backgrounds and subject specialisations submit work, and as writers are encouraged to submit poems, drama and short stories in any genre or style, the range is always surprising.

As with John Jennet's interview a few weeks ago, I have selected my favourite piece of writing from a recent issue - a piece that shines for me - and hunted down the author, to talk to him about his writing process and inspiration.

Richard Scott Pye is a medical student at Glasgow University and a very talented short story writer. I greatly enjoyed his piece Anatomy published in Issue 12 (March 2009) of FGtS, particularly because he writes with a quite spare exactness, and a very appealing dark humour. Here's an excerpt from Anatomy:

An open dissection kit lay neatly alongside the cadaver, its stainless steel instruments resting on an inner lining of red fabric. His white coat was pristine – he washed it after every dissection – and its pockets were stuffed with blue latex gloves.
- You’re a keen one, aren’t ye pal? Three times – four maybe – that I’ve seen you in here this week.
- Well, there’s a lot to learn.
The cadaver lay on a steel trolley, one of a score arranged in rows across the room. A black bag, covering its head, rustled against the breeze of the air conditioning, giving an impression of breathing.
- You’re on the way tae being a doctor?
He pulled on a pair of gloves. Doctor: it seemed like a foreign word.
- Only three years left now.
The thorax had been opened previously. He pulled back the ribcage on each side. The thoracic organs lay tidily in place. He removed the darkened lungs and placed them at the foot of the trolley. Nestled beneath was the heart, its arteries and veins severed already. He thought of their names - vena cava, aorta – and of a diagram he’d seen in the lab that morning. He lifted the heart from its recess.

Read the rest here! Over to the interview:

Tell us about yourself - when did you start writing fiction? How would you describe the kind of writing you do?

I grew up in a small town called Shotts, where my house was nestled in a peculiar location between a maximum security prison and the crumbling remains of a Victorian psychiatric hospital, both of which proved the frequent cause of nightmares when I was younger. I moved to Glasgow two years ago and am currently in my second year at the medical school.

I started writing in my own time when I was about fourteen, and since then it’s been an important aspect of my life. I was always encouraged to write creatively at school, and I’ll always be indebted to my teachers for giving me that motivation.

I think my writing tends to be pretty dark and gloomy; a bit morbid I guess. I’m not really one for happy endings.

Anatomy is an intense, concise and vivid piece: can you talk about what inspired it?

I wrote Anatomy at a point when I was questioning my decision to study medicine: the workload had become increasingly demanding, and I found myself losing interest in the content of the course, which can at times feel tediously irrelevant to clinical medicine, and frustrated at the sheer volume of factual information I was obligated to memorise.

Above all, I was worried that medicine would eventually come to dictate all aspects of my life, repressing any creativity or originality, any independent thought. You can’t dispute what you learn in medicine; you have no choice but to accept the information presented to you. There are no debates or discussions, only brief periods of doubt that are quickly resolved by consulting a textbook.

So I guess Anatomy was an attempt to turn this fear of losing myself entirely to medicine into a piece of creative writing, an act that would challenge and – I hoped - resolve my original concerns.

I love the medical detail and terminology in Anatomy; for me, it introduces a real coldness, a precision that gives just the right amount of distance and shows you have some sleight of hand. There have been a lot of doctors who were also successful writers - like Arthur Conan Doyle, William Carlos Williams and Rablais! And then there are the writers who qualified as doctors, but spent more time writing - like Keats and Chekov and Somerset Maugham! It seems an extraordinary list, why do you think doctors make good writers? How do you combine your day to day work with your writing? Do you have two vocations?

It certainly is an extraordinary list, and one from which I frequently seek reassurance!

I’d say doctors can be good writers because they are afforded the right to investigate the lives of those they treat, without much restriction, and thus are exposed to a vast array of personalities and situations that most people would not encounter. Doctors confront pleasure and pain; birth and death; every emotion from pure joy to complete despair.

Even as a medical student, I’ve talked to a huge variety of people, from an old eccentric ex-politician with a failing heart to a lonely young mother struggling with depression. We’re taught to analyse every aspect of a patient’s life and, in the absence of solid information, to speculate and hypothesise on what is causing their problem. In spite the concerns I had when I wrote Anatomy, I’ve realised that studying medicine actually helps enhance and develop critical and imaginative thinking.

More practically, as writing can be a challenge in terms of time management and motivation, doctors may have the advantage of being obliged to adopt good organisational skills, although personally my time management is dreadful!

I would say writing and medicine are two vocations which, although separate, seem to work synergistically.

Who or what influences your writing? Any favourite authors or books to recommend?

I was surrounded by Stephen King novels when I was younger and so I consider his writing to be a big influence on my own, particularly his older works like It and The Stand. I admire his ability to carry a vast ensemble of characters without overcrowding a story, and that’s a quality I’d like to bring to my own writing.

James Kelman’s writing style is really distinctive and memorable. I recall that after I read How Late It Was, How Late - in which the main character is blind - Kelman had been so effective in conveying blindness that I struggled to adapt to characters having normal vision in the next book I read. Needless to say, I was suitable impressed.

What are your ambitions as a writer? (or what are you up to now and what are your plans for the future?)

Currently I’m devoting all of my time ensuring I avoid having to re-sit any exams this summer, but I’m hoping to put a great deal of time into my writing over the summer break and throughout third year. I’ve been working on a few short stories that I’m hoping to submit to different magazines. My main ambition would be to get started on a novel; I’m just patiently waiting on that elusive spark of inspiration…

I was recently appointed editor of Surgo, the medical school magazine, which has been in print since 1934. I’m apprehensive about keeping it all running smoothly, but I’m looking forward to working with the rest of the team and attempting to keep the medical school reasonably informed and entertained.

Where else can we read your writing?

I’ve got a story appearing in the Student Network writing anthology which is due out later this month.

And in Surgo of course, although I must forewarn that medical student humour is terribly esoteric and doesn’t tend to translate well for students of other faculties!

Oh beloved laptop...

2009-05-20T11:30:00.005+01:00

My laptop power cable melted and snapped (surely this should not happen? ), so I have been without my laptop for these past three days. Yes, this has been a very terrible time for me.

I have purchased a new cable instead of paying my Council Tax (sorry, Government). Oh, nothing describes the joy of being able to touch my lovely laptop again, type and tickle its keys with my fingertips and listen to it click and whirr while the blackness spools out on the white and blue lights flash and everything is ok in the world again!

The new cable feels quite hot already.

I tried writing on paper while I had no laptop and found it was possible, but all my pens are pencil crayons or those tiny blue biro's my dad nicked from the bookies or Argos or a midget and, well I just missed the cold clinical feel of typing into a box.

It was good not to be distracted by the Internet, I suppose. No, that's bollocks, I hated it. I need the Internet, especially as I was supposed to be emailing and adminning for my Short Story Prize all week. Now I have half a week instead of one week to do that. Still, never say die. I ended up feeling all frustrated and trapped and reading lots of WWII Escape memoir yarns. Yes, my three days without laptop was pretty much like being shot down over France and being captured by the Gestapo and tortured and sentenced to death as a spy, but being saved from the firing squad by the Luftwaffe and sent to Stalag Luft II, then spending the next three years tunnelling my way out ('Under the Wire').

But I wouldn't call myself a hero. I was just doing what needed to be done.

The power cable is very hot now.

FGtS Flash Fiction Edition!

2009-05-16T14:44:00.002+01:00

From Glasgow to Saturn Issue 14 - the Flash Fiction edition is online now!

More to come soon, the Issue has flashes (?) from the following writers:

When Bob Died -- Vicki Husband
Engineering Works -- Mark Russell
The Edge -- Gordon Jenkins
Respite -- John Jennett
Morning has Broken -- Andrew Fullwood
Ten Minutes -- Jill Creighton
The Crossing -- Sarah Ward
A word to the beginner -- Kathrine Sowerby
Ashes -- Nikki Cameron
Dead Drunk -- Harry Mcdonald

I am an enormous fan of Flash Fiction (and short -shorts), in fact I am working really hard on setting up a short short story prize in Glasgow right now...

More to come on this, this week!

Blog Awards!

2009-05-16T13:44:00.004+01:00

Paperback Reader has very kindly presented me with two blog awards! I have never had one blog award before, so it's beyond lovely to get two at once! Now how's this for an award:

The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken - excellence, grace and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to at least 5 other worthy bloggers. Do not risk the wrath of the zombie chickens by choosing unwisely or not choosing at all…”

That is a very, very cool award. This one is also lovely:

I have a lovely blog! Now it seems that there are some rules to this whole award giving process:

1.Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award and his or her blog link. (I accept, Paperback Reader, thank you, delighted!).
2. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I will start with 5 fabulous blogs that I just have to present these awards to, 5 to try and keep the zombie chickens off my back (and I will add 10 more to this list as soon as I can!). All of these bloggers have quite lovely blogs, and I read what they have to say each and every week over a giant cup of coffee. I always find them inspiring, and I hope they enjoy their awards! :

Women Rule Writer
Emerging Writer
A book a day, or the year of reading dangerously
booklit: a literary handout
Resolution: My Crazy Screenplay Year

Huge thanks Paperback Reader, I am going to put the 'Zombie Chicken Award' on my CV. I am, really, going to do this. I don't have a CV (what's the point, who would employ me?), but I will make one up so I can put this on it. Thanks!

Bad Spellchek Theetar

2009-05-12T08:21:00.002+01:00

Broken Spell Check Theater -- powered by Cracked.com

Monkey Fighting

2009-05-12T08:07:00.004+01:00

Snakes on a Plane: The TV Edit.

Samuel L Jackson dubs over his bad language, replacing it with badass language - and somehow,
makes it better...

Holy Rude

2009-05-11T22:25:00.001+01:00

Today, in the Church of the Holy Rude, Stirling.

Graffiti 1789 Style

2009-05-10T09:16:00.004+01:00

In March I went Kenilworth Castle, in Warwickshire. I quickly borrowed a camera to take a couple of pictures (lesson learned: always, always carry your own camera, no matter what, when or where!). Every wall has graffiti carved into it, names and dates. It is absolutely beautiful and entirely odd. Most of the graffiti was carved in the most exquisite fonts, during the 1700's and 1800's. There are a few in biro and marker pen from the last 10 years. If you pass Warwickshire, and you love fonts, go!

I went on Wikipedia (see below for choice excerpts!) to read about graffiti and check some facts, and now I'm thinking I need to go on a graffiti tour of the world. It looks like I will be visiting Ireland, Scandinavia, Italy, Greece, Turkey, Syria, Jordan, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Guatemala, USA. This will be a nice holiday. I will be starting my world tour by going back to Warwickshire this summer.

Etymology

Graffiti and graffito are from the Italian word graffiato ("scratched"). In ancient times graffiti was carved on walls with a sharp object, although sometimes chalk or coal were used. The Greek infinitive γράφειν - graphein - meaning "to write," is from the same root.

History

The term graffiti referred to the inscriptions, figure drawings, etc., found on the walls of ancient sepulchers or ruins, as in the Catacombs of Rome or at Pompeii. Usage of the word has evolved to include any graphics applied to surfaces in a manner that constitutes vandalism.

The earliest forms of graffiti date back to 30,000 B.C.E. in the form of prehistoric cave paintings and pictographs using tools such as animal bones and pigments. These illustrations were often placed in ceremonial and sacred locations inside of the caves. The images drawn on the walls showed scenes of animal wildlife and hunting expeditions in most circumstances. This form of graffiti is subject to disagreement considering it is likely that members of prehistoric society endorsed the creation of these illustrations.

The only known source of the Safaitic language, a form of proto-Arabic, is from graffiti: inscriptions scratched on to the surface of rocks and boulders in the predominantly basalt desert of southern Syria, eastern Jordan and northern Saudi Arabia. Safaitic dates from the 1st century B.C. to the 4th century A.D..

The first known example of "modern style" graffiti survives in the ancient Greek city of Ephesus (in modern-day Turkey). Local guides say it is an advertisement for prostitution.Located near a mosaic and stone walkway, the graffiti shows a handprint that vaguely resembles a heart, along with a footprint and a number. This is believed to indicate that a brothel was nearby, with the handprint symbolizing payment.

The ancient Romans carved graffiti on walls and monuments, examples of which also survive in Egypt. Graffiti in the classical world had different connotations than it carries in today’s society concerning content. Ancient graffiti displayed phrases of love declarations, political rhetoric, and simple words of thought compared to toady's popular messages of social and political ideals^[5]. The eruption of Vesuvius preserved graffiti in Pompeii, including Latin curses, magic spells, declarations of love, alphabets, political slogans and famous literary quotes, providing insight into ancient Roman street life. One inscription gives the address of a woman named Novellia Primigenia of Nuceria, a prostitute, apparently of great beauty, whose services were much in demand. Another shows a phallus accompanied by the text, 'mansueta tene': "Handle with care".

It was not only the Greeks and Romans that produced graffiti: the Mayan site of Tikal in Guatemala also contains ancient examples. Viking graffiti survive in Rome and at Newgrange Mound in Ireland, and a Varangian scratched his name (Halvdan) in runes on a banister in the Hagia Sophia at Constantinople.These early forms of graffiti have contributed to the understanding of lifestyles and languages of past cultures.

Graffiti, known as Tacherons, were frequently scratched on Romanesque Scandanavaian church walls.

When Renaissance artists such as Pinturicchio, Raphael, Michelangelo, Ghirlandaio or Filippino Lippi descended into the ruins of Nero's Domus Aurea, they carved or painted their names^[8]^[9] and returned with the grottesche style of decoration. There are also examples of graffiti occurring in American history, such as Signature Rock, a national landmark along the Oregon Trail.

Later, French soldiers carved their names on monuments during the Napoleonic campaign of Egypt in the 1790s.^[10] Lord Byron's survives on one of the columns of the Temple of Poseidon at Cape Sounion in Attica, Greece.

Byron the graffiti artist sounds about right. I visited his house Newstead Abbey in Nottingham a couple of years ago (he was not in) and was quite taken with his reported use of the great hall to practice pistol shooting. How can you not like a man who kept a pet bear while at University because he was told he couldn't have a pet dog? I quite like his poetry too.

New Writing Talent : John Jennett

2009-05-07T12:22:00.003+01:00

Photograph by Paul Strand 'Archie MacDonald, South Uist 1954' © Aperture Foundation Inc., Paul Strand. Please visit National Galleries of Scotland website for more information.

Welcome the new writers Q&A section of my blog! 'New Writing Talent' is created in association with From Glasgow to Saturn, the creative writing magazine at Glasgow University. Some immensely talented writers are being published each month: the magazine publishes the best short works by members of the university community, studying any subject. This means writers from a large range backgrounds and subject specialisations submit work, and as writers are encouraged to submit poems, drama and short stories in any genre or style, the range is always invigorating!

Every couple of weeks, I am going to select a favourite piece of writing from the latest issue- the piece or pieces that really shine for me - hunt down the author, and talk to them about themselves, their writing process and inspiration.

I am really happy to kick off this new section with a look at a great writer, John Jennett.

John wrote The Cut of the Cloth, which was one of my favourite pieces in April's Issue 13 (in fact I blogged about it here!). All submissions to From Glasgow to Saturn are judged anonymously, but it turned out John is a Creative Writing MLitt student at Glasgow University!

Hello John! Tell us about yourself - when did you first start writing? How would you describe the kind of writing you do?

I started writing after selling my business in late 2007. It was on my list of things I have been meaning to do for twenty years, if only I had time, like sailing round Britain and having a baby; just some of the boxes I have ticked lately! In my business life I was always the writer of reports and marketing copy and I thought I could claim a writing pedigree because my parents were both widely published in the medical field and my cousin was the Irish writer Jerrard Tickell.

I completed an Open University course in Creative Writing (which far exceeded my expectations and I would recommend to anyone) an Arvon Course (ditto) and attended an inspirational workshop by an Irish writer I much admire http://www.niallwilliams.com/ before starting the MLitt.

Although I am from Glasgow, I have spent most of my life working or playing in the West Highlands and Islands of Scotland. I have lived in Argyll for 15 years and my partner is from the Western Isles. At the moment this seems to reflect in my writing and I am drawn to themes that are connected with the region and my interest in the physical and cultural scenery. I’m not sure if this is just a phase but I’m trying not to worry about that, rather exploring material in a way that is not clichéd parochial or chintzy, something the Irish are better at than we are I think. There is a resurgence of interest in gaelic and I have been trying to do my bit by incorporating little bits of the language to colour my work. Even though I don’t speak the language personally, my partner comes from a fluent family so it is in the house. The best channel on TV is BBC Alba!

The Cut of the Cloth gave such an insight into the characters on this Croft, and you brilliantly address language, the sound of language and the types of fluency people have. Actions speak louder than words! I also loved the focused depiction of a family, and the relationships they have with each other, and with outsiders. Can you talk about what inspired this short story? You have acknowledgements at the end of your piece, to a photograph - I would love to hear more about this photograph, and what it means to you.

Thank you! This piece started (much shorter) as an entry for the National Gallery of Scotland Get Writing competition, where work was required to be inspired by something in their collection. The original work was “highly commended” in the competition; another piece I submitted was runner up and will be published as part of an anthology later in the year. The Paul Strand photograph that inspired The Cut of the Cloth is here

http://www.nationalgalleries.org/collection/online_az/4:322/result/0/99778?initial=S&artistId=15615&artistName=Paul%20Strand&submit=1

Paul Strand was one of the original snappers of craggy crofters and landscapes in the first half of the century before it became trendy and overcooked – a sort of Ansel Adams for the Hebrides. I already had his book of photographs, not least because it contains a portrait of my partner’s granny. Anyway the photograph provided inspiration for the piece which, as I said in my acknowledgement, is purely fictional. I do find that choice objects or photographs provide something to write into and this is something that interests me as part of my creative process. At the moment I am trying to always provide myself with at least one object or image for any piece I am working on, however abstracted that becomes. Although the Cut of the Cloth is perhaps a more literal study of the photograph in question I find it amazing what spins out of an image or object.

I also took some reverse inspiration from a work by Claire Wigfall which won the National Short Story Prize in 2008. It is a brilliant story but is breathtakingly fast and loose with its linguistic and cultural references http://www.theshortstory.org.uk/nssp/2008.php4 . I wanted to produce something that I wouldn’t claim as “genuine” but at least have more respect for the setting.

You have packed a lot into a very short story! Are you primarily a short story writer? Do you have favourite short story writers?

No I think I am a poor short story writer. I fall into the predictable category of eyeing a longer work and starting out by seeing the short story as a necessary means to an end. However, I’m coming to enjoy the genre more and the subject of my MLitt Editorial Project was writing short story for radio which has proved an interesting specialisation.

If you haven’t read the brilliant Claire Keegan you should:

Claire Keegan http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2007/aug/25/featuresreviews.guardianreview19

Alistair MacLeod http://www.nytimes.com/books/01/02/18/reviews/010218.18suthert.html

Also Alice Munro and Bernard McLaverty.

Who or what influences your writing the most?

As I said the cultural and physical landscapes of Scotland, including beliefs like second sight.

Real family history – mine in Ireland/Scotland/England; my partner’s in the Hebrides

The emotions around having (or trying to have) a baby.

Loneliness and endurance.

Medical World (parents)

The Sea, Boats and Birds.

Do you have a favourite author/s, or books you love?

The well known would be Dickens, Alasdair Gray (Poor Things), John Irvine, Marquez, Spark, Stevenson,

Claire Keegan qv

Margot Livesey (Eva Moves the Furniture) http://www.margotlivesey.com/index.php?id=10

Bernard McLaverty (Grace Notes) http://www.bernardmaclaverty.com/works/novels/grace_notes.htm

Alistair MacLeod (No Great Mischief)

Niall Williams qv

What are you working on now, and what are your plans for the future?

The main part of my MLitt portfolio is the opening of a novel called Manadh in which a reluctant wartime sea-captain longs to return to his native Hebrides. Sixty years later his visions, or second-sight, link him to a midwife on the trail of a vanished twin brother.....

As to the title -

“The belief in portents of death is deeply seated in the mind of the Highlander. There are very few who have not had a manadh of some sort during their life.”

R.C. Maclagan (1897) Ghost Lights of the West Highlands

Meanwhile I am also working on a few short story projects for magazines and competitions, ditto poetry and life writing and a collaborative musical project. I enjoy having many projects on the go and working across all genres.

Where can we read your writing, and keep up to date with you?

At the moment nowhere but I’m hoping to get www.johnjennett.com live in the next few weeks!

Thank you, John! I love the concept of reverse inspiration in particular, and I certainly do not agree that you are a poor short story writer! I look forward to reading the novel, it sounds really gripping.

Coming up in the next few weeks we have an interview with Richard Scott Pye, a first year medical student at Glasgow University, and a talented short story writer too! His story Anatomy was published in March Issue 13 of From Glasgow to Saturn, and I loved it.

Judge a book by its cover?

2009-05-07T11:18:00.006+01:00

"New Yorker Elizabeth Strout has won the Pulitzer prize for fiction for a short story collection set in small-town Maine.

Strout's Olive Kitteridge is a collection of 13 interlinked short stories. Detailing the lives and problems of the residents of Crosby, Maine, from a musician haunted by a past romance to a former student who has lost the will to live, it is held together by the central, larger-than-life character of retired schoolteacher Olive Kitteridge.

Judges for the $10,000 (£6,800) prize, awarded to a work of distinguished fiction by an American author, preferably dealing with American life, said that Strout's work "packs a cumulative emotional wallop, bound together by polished prose and by Olive, the title character, blunt, flawed and fascinating".

I'm so glad short story collections (ooh, and interlinked too -my favourite kind) are getting this kind of recognition (read this for more details). I have not read Elizabeth Strout, so it's great to have a new name to add to my list, too (my poor neglected reading - I want so badly to read today for an hour or two - do you think it's ok to go and hide in Borders all day instead of writing?..).

This book has been published with a variety of covers, and as I love cover art, and I know you want a depressing insight into just how shallow I am, I will now show you how likely I would be to pick this book up in a shop, based purely on its cover:

Meh. Ok then:
No. Why would you do this to a book?:Hell no. I feel my brain atrophying just looking at this cover. Urgh:

In conclusion, I would much prefer some inoffensive grey plant life (that must have been a tough design to pitch to Random House) to a lady back. I guess they are trying to cover their bases, and get every possible market, including women who love spines. The orange cover makes me want to save the book for my twilight years, perhaps my home-care helper could read it to me on my death bed or something.

I know I'm being naive, and its all about the money, but I just like a good bookcover. Intelligent, considered, designed.

spam spam spam spam spam...

2009-05-06T10:05:00.009+01:00

I like this post on cracked.com: 100 Unintentionally Hilarious Subject Lines, collected and discussed by the very funny David Wong. As he puts it:

If you want a perfect demonstration of the "1,000 typing monkeys accidentally creating a masterpiece" phenomenon, look no further than your spam subject lines.

The jumbled mash of nonsense spammers use to get around spam filters creates a kind of surreal poetry that some believe will one day be assembled as proof that the Internet has become sentient. Over the years I've gathered actual subject lines from fans for posterity, so please enjoy our amazing and horrifying collection, with my commentary.

Here's a taster:

Really, do they ever go out of style?

They protested female priests, but nobody complained about...

A sadly failed pick-up line:

This guy may not have the right attitude for sales...

Subject lines are a great source of band names:

Semi-colon Dash!

2009-05-02T22:15:00.014+01:00

More fun with semi-colons! I got a bit excited about semi-colons back in November (the rise and fall of the semi-colon), and it's great to hear from other people doing the same!

"There are some forms of punctuation some people just can't stand - the dash for example. A best-selling author has now called on writers to stop using it. The writer in question, Lionel Shriver, and Erica Wagner, literary editor of The Times, discuss if the dash is a useful tool - or if it is just used by writers who don't quite understand the semi-colon."

What do you think about the semi-colon? Do you have a problem with the dash - or even the dot dot dot?

Coraline

2009-05-02T21:38:00.004+01:00

Just got back from seeing Coraline (in 3D). There were infants in there crying, and I'm not too proud to say I nearly joined them. Disturbing. Do not take your kids to see this. It's very good though, even though I will have nightmares. A stop-motion feature film is impressive - it took three years to animate. I will require three years to calm down.

Coraline is a fantasy/horror novella by British author Neil Gaiman, published in 2002 by Bloomsbury and Harper Collins. It was awarded the 2003 Hugo Award for Best Novella, the 2003 Nebula Award for Best Novella, and the 2002 Bram Stoker Award for Best Work for Young Readers. It has been compared to Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland and has been adapted into a 2009 stop-motion film directed by Henry Selick.

Stop Motion Break

2009-05-01T16:40:00.003+01:00

For facts about the video visit here, or look up Oren Lavie music on iTunes.

Her Morning Elegance
Directed by: Oren Lavie, Yuval & Merav Nathan
Featuring: Shir Shomron
Photography: Eyal Landesman
Color: Todd Iorio at Resolution
© 2009 A Quarter Past Wonderful

"Her Morning Elegance" written and produced by Oren Lavie, from the Oren Lavie album The Opposite Side of the Sea
© 2009 A Quarter Past Wonderful/Adrenaline under license from Tuition

This is so nice. Every so often I need a stop motion break: this is a really good one. So restful.

Carol Ann Duffy Poet Laureate

2009-05-01T13:44:00.004+01:00

Carol Ann Duffy has been named as the new Poet Laureate, the first woman to be appointed in the 341-year history of the post.

Duffy, 53, who takes over immediately from Andrew Motion and will serve 10 years in the position, says she will give the £5,750 annual payment away.

The author, who is best known for her collection The World's Wife, is also the first Scot to be named Laureate.

Duffy said she felt "very honoured and humbled" by her appointment.

Read all about it on the BBC...

The poet told BBC Radio 4's Woman's Hour she had thought "long and hard" about taking the appointment.

"I look on it as a recognition of the great woman poets we have writing now," she said.

"I've decided to accept it for that reason."

She added: "Poetry is all around us, all of the time, whether in song or in speech or on the page, and we turn to it when events, personal or public, matter most.

"In accepting this Laureateship, I hope to contribute to people's understanding of what poetry can do and where it can be found."

Cluster Pong

2009-04-28T09:04:00.001+01:00

oh, to be a noble lexicographer..!

I have a definition in the Urban dictionary! The term is 'Cluster Pong', and I use it all too often, more's the pity. You can click here to read the definition, and if you want to give it the thumbs up (so far 1 person has, so I am reeling in my success) or even the thumbs down, you would be doing the English Language a great service!

Urban Dictionary is great. You can add your words to the dictionary here.

From Glasgow to Saturn Issue 13

2009-04-25T12:13:00.007+01:00

Lucky for some. My birthday is on the 13th of September, so I have always thought it a particularly excellent day of the month. Especially when it falls on Friday the 13th, which it does, sometimes.

So, on to the 13th issue of From Glasgow to Saturn! There are ten stories or poems to read in this months issue, featuring writing by Glasgow University students studying Law, Modernities, and Creative Writing:

Mark McPhee
Duncan Muir
Victoria Murphy
John Jennett
Lisa Jones
Luke Mason
Erik Fuhrer
Alex Connon
Norrie Dunsmore
Christopher M.J. Boyd

It has been online for a few weeks, but as we had no party or wine to celebrate, I didn't notice. No, that's a joke. It was a great issue to select contributors for, especially as I got that 'smack in the face' feeling (in a good way) reading a couple of pieces in particular, which I really enjoyed and I'm super happy to see included in the issue. The first is Window Woman, by Victoria Murphy:

This morning it looked as if a dusting of flour had been sifted over the grey stone of the pavement and green of the grass beyond, but after the meandering flakes fell faster, grew larger, the ground became covered with a smooth, deep, topping of crunchy icing sugar. I’d like to be one of those laughing young things pressing their footprints into its perfection, whirling round and hurling themselves down, or gathering wet clumps to shape into a ball or pat onto a mound to sculpt.

The second is The Cut of the Cloth, by John Jennett:

Going by my Charlie’s age, I must have been thirteen in the year that Calum tàillear came to stay. Until then my father had always dressed like a typical Hebridean crofter, pulling on clothes that already seemed to be old when they appeared from nowhere. My mother was so deft at patching things up and dyeing that she seemed to be able to make his things, and ours, last forever. When I think about it now we always seemed to live under the shadow of dad’s threadbare gear, strung out to dry over the stove, where it told the story of the season. Depending on the time of year we breathed the smell of seaweed, peat, sheep or barley as it baked into his soggy hems.

Submerged in Short Stories

2009-04-25T10:46:00.008+01:00

Cartoon by Tom Gauld for the Guardian (Saturday Review letters page). See his flickr page, and more of his great work at www.cabanonpress.com. © Tom Gauld

'Emerging from Ukraine, Pakistan, Nigeria, Zimbabwe and dead-end America, a clutch of impressive short story debuts this spring explore ideas of exile and belonging in a globalised world. James Lasdun celebrates growing confidence in an often overlooked form.'

Take a look at this article in the Guardian:

''Art requires honour", declared Cicero. Of the literary arts the short story has always been the least honoured, trailing into the House of Fame a humble fourth after novels, plays and poetry. Between Chekhov and Cheever there can't have been more than a dozen major reputations founded solely or even largely on this unassuming form. You might have thought that in our own attention-deficient age, a narrative art based on speed and brevity would have become the main attraction, but outside the creative writing workshop, where its small scale makes it convenient for study (a dismal basis for survival), that hasn't been the case. Lack of encouragement may be the cause, or it may be something inherently skittish about whichever muse presides over this delicate art: a reluctance to settle anywhere long enough to generate a heavy-duty literary industry. It may be the relative newness of the form (if you accept Turgenev's claim that "we all come out from under Gogol's Overcoat", you can date its birth precisely to 1842), or it may be that people regard it as somehow highbrow or artsy; an insider sport for practitioners and aficionados only. Whatever the case, people still seem to want their blockbusters.

But in the past few years there have been some determined efforts to boost the prestige of the form. There's the Frank O'Connor prize out of Cork. There's the National Short Story prize here in the UK and there's at least one festival, "Small Wonder", dedicated to the art. It's early, yet, to be looking for any direct effect, but whether it has anything to do with all this unaccustomed celebration, or the recent success of writers such as Jhumpa Lahiri and Etgar Keret (Lahiri's last set of dispatches from the Bengal/Boston front went straight to the top of the New York Times bestseller list, while Keret's comic takes on the anxieties of being Israeli have made him an international literary star), there are signs that the form may be about to come into a new prominence. At any rate publishers seem to be embracing the form with new enthusiasm. All three of the heavyweight literary biographies currently in the limelight are of short story writers (Barthelme, Cheever, the incomparable Flannery O'Connor). And this year, in particular, sees an unusual number of powerful debut collections.'

The rest of the article is here. This is a good point:

'It was Frank O'Connor who noted the peculiar affinity of the short story for what he called "submerged populations": marginal, isolated figures such as Chekhov's clerks, Maupassant's prostitutes or Sherwood Anderson's provincial schoolteachers, eking out thin existences at the edges of society. A major theme of these four collections is the urge to break out from this "submerged" condition, in its various contemporary guises. Survival, whether in the form of a green card or simply a roof over one's head, is the basic element at stake in most of the stories they contain. Visa troubles, marriages of convenience, sexual and economic exploitation form the basic plotlines.'

The clutch of short story collections Lasdun refers to: One More Year by Sana Krasikov is published by Portobello in June; Other Rooms, Other Wonders by Daniyal Mueenuddin is published by Bloomsbury; The Thing Around Your Neck by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie is published by Fourth Estate; An Elegy for Easterly by Petina Gappah is published by Faber later this month and Everything Ravaged, Everything Burned by Wells Tower is published by Granta.

Baraksploitation

2009-04-22T11:20:00.004+01:00

I humbly point you towards The Encyclopedia Baraktannica. As Slate.com says:

...as numerous fans, detractors, reporters, and bloggers have demonstrated, it's a name that lends itself to neologisms—everything from Barackstar to Obamania to Omentum.

Click the "more" button to generate random definitions from the Encyclopedia Baracktannica.

This man in a strange hat doesn't like all the Obama T-shirts out there. He examines the serious issue of presidential punning. If nothing else, watching this video has made me want to buy an Obama T-shirt:

USA vs UK Slang-off

2009-04-22T11:05:00.002+01:00

Thank You Dewar Arts Awards!

2009-04-02T13:43:00.013+01:00

First up, my apologies for my two or three week absence. But I am back now, so watch out! Who knew my life of reading dangerously would make me fall into a stress induced coma for a fortnight...;)?

Second: some tooting of my own horn, and some thank you's -

I am ecstatic, thrilled, honoured, surprised, wowed, buzzed and bemused to have received a Dewar Arts Award.

This very generous award will finance my MLitt, and so support me while I write my first book (the book will be something between a novel and a collection of interconnected short stories - more to come on this!).

The Dewar Arts Awards support Scotland’s best and brightest of young artistic talent, and were set up in 2002 as a fitting memorial to Scotland's first First Minister, Donald Dewar.

I am delighted to be included among a group of such talented artists, and being part of this prestigious award means as much to me as the financial support. Thank you, Dewar trustees, for this great opportunity.

I am extremely grateful to the board of trustees for this award, without which I would not be able to continue my MLitt or my current writing project. I would also like to say thank you so much to Elizabeth Reeder and Zoe Strachan at Glasgow University, to Colin Thomson at Glasgow Metropolitan College, and to Dr John Sloan at Oxford University, for your letters of support for this award.

I am immensely grateful, and I will not let you down. I had better write a really good book, now..!

If you live in Scotland and are an artist of any kind, it is difficult to be unaware of the rush of creative work the Dewar Arts Awards are enabling. Any young person under the age of 30 and living or working in Scotland can be nominated; you can find out more about their support, the nomination process, past winners, and eligibility on their brilliantly concise website.

Here is a news update from their website this week:

The latest Dewar Arts Awards will continue to enable more Scottish talent to thrive and work in their chosen fields. The awards cover a wide range of the arts, including film makers, visual artists, dancers, actors, photographers, textile designers, writers, composers, conductors and contemporary jewelers. Since their inauguration, more than £2million pounds have been dispersed to help over 250 young people in Scotland with outstanding talent but lack the money to turn their potential into reality.

A very exciting time, and now - a lot of work to do. End of tooting.

Oh Deer

2009-03-18T20:59:00.004Z

Not blogging much this week, because I am up in the north of Scotland for a few days. Here are some deer I saw today, scampering around near Durness...

Queryfail

2009-03-12T14:28:00.005Z

Take a look at this in the Guardian books blog:

Twitter tips on how not to get published

Some people are pretty angry at agents and editors revealing the worst pitches they read, but it's instructive reading

There are some hurt feelings in online ego-space this week after a group of agents and editors, in what I can only see as a service to the world of books, decided to spend last Thursday tweeting about what makes them reject submissions. The aim of the "Queryfail" game was to tweet about (unidentified) author queries that were coming in, and why they weren't being picked up.

Tara Lazar has brilliantly put together a list of the tweets:

Failure to follow directions is an automatic rejection:

I know you don’t represent children’s literature, but I hope you’ll make an exception in my case.
I know that I have attached a file, but please have a read even though it’s against your policy.
I hope you don’t mind that I found your personal email address…
I don’t think you’re the right agent for me, but could you pass my query along to some of your colleagues?
Before you respond to my query, please send a test email for my spam filter.
I’M TYPING MY QUERY IN ALL CAPS SO YOU WILL BE SURE TO NOTICE IT.

1. Don’t include anything in your query other than what is requested. (Typically a one-page letter and first page(s) writing sample.)

Including a creepy photo of you clearly taken about 20 years ago? You have just taken your first step on the road to QueryFail.
Did I mention how creepy I find it when authors include gifts? Especially food. I worry I rejected them before and it is poisoned.
It is not necessary to include a glossy 8×10 headshot. No, really.
Physical props are a bad idea. Candy corn and whiskey in one submission package. With cammo fanny pack.
Dear Agent, here are 25 books I’ve written, do you want any of them?
I have attached two photos of the book to this email.

2. An agent makes a living by selling books. If you don’t have a book available to sell, you shouldn’t be querying.

The book isn’t written yet, and I can’t write it.
I don’t have any new material to share so I’m attaching an already contracted novella.
In lieu of a writing sample, I’ve enclosed articles about [topic writer wishes to write about].
My proposal is a work in progress.
I’ve got a great idea for a book. You write it and we’ll split the profits!
I am writing a book. What is the going rate for literary agents?

3. Only include relevant, professional publishing credentials in your query.

My credentials for writing this book include: A divine mandate to speak the word of God.
The best credentials I can share are the comments from my family and friends after they read my book.
Please Google my name for more information.
This isn’t my first published work, I have published 2 articles in G4S Pipeline Trade Publication.
I have been writing since I could hold a crayon, and before that I used finger paints.
I know 10 people who would buy this book right now!
This is not representative of my best work.
This is my first attempt at writing a fictional novel.
I read this to the high school English class that I teach and they all agreed it was wonderful.
I’m a real estate developer and you contacted me once in the past about a building or a home I had for sale at that time.
Four paragraphs about your former career as a technical writer. Not one sentence about plot of book.
The entire manuscript has been reviewed by both my writing mentor and a copyeditor and is ready for wide distribution.
The manuscript is complete. It is 320 pages in Font 10 with 178,313 words. It has 36 chapters. I am not a professional writer.
In a nutshell, I have no credentials.

4. I don’t know how else to put this: don’t sound crazy.

[Book of] quotes and more, all written by (?) and in the author’s own flavor of grammar.
My book is about a friendship based upon mutual vomiting practices in high school.
Tragically initiated into a secret panther-worshipping society…
It’s about unicorns. They’re the protagonists.
My name is Maya and I’m an elf.
Like my protagonist, I definitely could be described as overachiever, and I naturally have hair like Lady Godiva.
…contains a grand surprise near the end that the reader cannot grasp unless paying attention to the made-up language…
Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be pulled up a waterfall or to be flushed down a toilet?
My book is differentiated from Twilight because the vampires have wings, and are half-breed angels.
Forty-three years of toiling within my own mind have come to an end with this manuscript!
My inner voices told me to send this to you. I channeled the whole thing from an angel named Thomas.
I witnessed a lot of things that happened before I was born. How? Alien abduction.

5. And don’t toot your own horn.

Easily the boldest novel so far written in this fresh century of ours.
Three paragraphs, no plot, no hook, and lots of “me, me, me, look how wonderful I am!”
This is groundbreaking work that will change the way we view everything!
If your guidelines are that unforgiving, then stop here and pass on something that could be special.
I’ve been rejected by three other publishers who said my work was interesting.
I’ve queried more than 50 agents and have gotten nowhere and now I’m querying you.
In a week, I read works by Philip Roth, Junot Diaz, & Paul Beatty, and this is what I concluded: It’s my turn!
Hi. Are you a visionary agent who wants to take the stagnant fiction literary marketplace to new heights?
It will be a huge mistake if you do not publish this book.

As the Two Ravens Blog respond this week, ''writers need to learn to laugh at themselves':

writers...[are] become deeply offended by the truth. The truth in question being that most of the enquiry/submission letters that literary agents get (just like publishers - just like us) are incredibly, embarrassingly bad...

I’m tired of explaining to people how much of our time is wasted by query letters bordering on the insane, and why it is that we don’t any longer give any explanation for our rejections for fear of being bombarded by angry emails from mad people (see our blog back in November for more information). Everyone thinks we’re either exaggerating or Just Plain Bad People. Surely it can’t be THAT bad? Well, take a look at some of these examples. It is.

There are some very fine query letters out there; I’ve read them, responded to them and sometimes even published the authors who wrote them. And in between them and the utter lunatic fringe, there are the annoying and incompetent query letters, which I think for us at least represent the majority. Why can it not be considered to be a service to writers to pull some of the pieces of these query letters out, highlight them, and say this is how NOT to do it? To say that if you write a query letter with this kind of nonsense in it, you don’t stand a chance in hell? If you’re writing that kind of query letter, don’t be offended - learn from this. If you’re not, then surely there’s no problem.

With this in mind, I would like to do my bit to help out. May I introduce you to this sample covering letter, written by Cosmo Wallace. I suggest you copy and paste it, and use it for any submissions from this point forwards:

The Cosmotronic Never-Fail-O-Matic(TM) Manuscript Submission Covering Letter

Dear Editor/Publisher/Mr. High-and-Fucking-Mighty,

Please accept my manuscript for your impressive/promising/ pitiful publication.

I am an impressive/terrifying new writer/alcoholic, and this is my first/last thwarted attempt at a short story.

The title is, (Insert Title Here). It’s a heart-warming/chilling/avant-garde story about an alien who has erectile dysfunction/a piece of interspecies erotic fiction/a recipe for short-crust pastry.

Apart from its fearless/intricate/bizarre use of language/imagery/heroin, I have also included several dozen typos and grammatical errors in the manuscript: think of them as a bonding ritual/a running joke between you and me.

I am willing to give this epic moment in literary history to you in exchange for a million dollars and / or a Nobel Prize for literature. You can discuss the matter with my agent (insert made-up name here), who can be reached on my phone number but will never be available for face to face meetings.

I await your cheque and/or adulation.

If neither arrive on my doorstep, I will assume you suffered a stroke while reading this letter. If this has happened, don’t worry: wait calmly at your desk for help to arrive. You aren’t letting me down, because even if you die without being able to tell others about this epoch-shattering work, it will no doubt be discovered on your desk by your successor as they attempt to remove every trace of your existence and/or years of tireless work.

Yours faithfully/sincerely/neither faithfully nor particularly sincerely,

(Your Signature Here)

P.S. I have cursed this letter with a monkey’s paw.

From Glasgow to Saturn II

2009-03-06T00:50:00.005Z

Went out tonight for some red wine and the relaunch of Glasgow Uni's literary magazine!

From Glasgow to Saturn is the online literary magazine run by students in the University of Glasgow's Creative Writing MLitt programme. Founded in 2007, the magazine is named for a collection of poetry by Glasgow's own Edwin Morgan. FGtS aims to publish the best short works by members of the university community. Writers are encouraged to submit poems, drama and short stories in any genre or style, whether developed independently or in conjunction with formal workshops and classroom exercises

Issue 12 is out now, featuring works from:

Matt Leavey
Nikki Cameron
Richie Murby
Fiona Wright
Richard Scott Pye
John Jennett
Helen McClory
Sam Tongue
Gary McGhee
Arthur Ker

In the selection process and in his excellent reading tonight, I was quite taken by Richard Scott Pye's Anatomy (so to speak), read it, and you will be able to see that Richard is a medical student, not some head in the clouds fancy pants writer type;

An open dissection kit lay neatly alongside the cadaver, its stainless steel instruments resting on an inner lining of red fabric. His white coat was pristine – he washed it after every dissection – and its pockets were stuffed with blue latex gloves.
- You’re a keen one, aren’t ye pal? Three times – four maybe – that I’ve seen you in here this week.
- Well, there’s a lot to learn.
The cadaver lay on a steel trolley, one of a score arranged in rows across the room. A black bag, covering its head, rustled against the breeze of the air conditioning, giving an impression of breathing.
- You’re on the way tae being a doctor?
He pulled on a pair of gloves. Doctor: it seemed like a foreign word.
- Only three years left now.

Matt Leavey's Breadcrumbs is another short story well worth taking a peek at;

They tumbled from her fingers; the wind sending them chasing after each other, eddying in circles, gathering in the cracks between patio slabs still glazed with last night’s frost. Dried fragments of once-bread, dancing around her feet.
Later, they watched a film in darkness. The sky behind the houses opposite was still bruised purple, long after the sun had set. All afternoon she’d waited, but the birds had never come.
“Sorry hon, don’t think they wanted your bread.”
She shrugged sleepily from her end of the sofa. “Doesn’t matter. Still be there tomorrow.”
“Shall I open some wine?”
“Can do.”
Sodium orange stained the clouds, and the sky behind faded to almost black. She sipped the sour sauvignon until drowsiness forced her upstairs. She left him watching old comedy repeats they’d seen a hundred times. Every so often she could hear him, laughing in all the same places.

The whole caboodle of Glasgow University writing talent can be found here.

Frog Face

2009-03-04T17:07:00.012Z

An update on my year of reading dangerously, to come this evening....

I found out to much excitement today that I'm to have a short story published in the annual Association for Scottish Literary Studies book, 'New Writing Scotland 27'.

"New Writing Scotland is the one annual showcase of the best in Scottish contemporary writing."

“New Writing Scotland remains the most accurate barometer
of new trends in Scottish writing.” – Simon Hall, The Herald

I am very happy! I loved last years anthology, 'Bucket of Frogs'. I went out and had scrambled tofu at my favourite veggie cafe to celebrate, because that is how I roll. I am one crazy lady.

There will be beer later! As the intro to Bucket of Frogs says;

The submitting writers’ anonymity has continued, we’re delighted to say. It means we’re never sure who to avoid because we’ve rejected a weel kent author; it also means an occasional bear hug from a brand new first time writer. And that’s a great moment for us, for them, for the world of Scottish writing – the ASLS anthology is still often the first important point of publication for a new writer. The moment the tadpole becomes a frog. Kiss the frog and we might have a Booker or a Costa prizewinner one day.

Or you might get a face full of froggy breath, but let's try to be positive! Kiss me and find out, that's what I say. Anyone?

No? Are you sure I can't tempt you?

Really looking forward to the re-launch of Glasgow Uni's From Glasgow to Saturn lit mag tomorrow night too, we have selected the final 10 after resorting to a surprisingly easy and very democratic marks out of 10 voting system. I am really looking forward to hearing the writers read their work, while I drink wine and get to meet the talented writers. It has been uber enjoyable reading so many great poems and short stories. They are all very different, too, I will post a link when the new journal and website are up and running later this week.

One-Liners, Miami Style

2009-03-02T15:16:00.002Z

Now this is writing. I have never seen CSI, and having seen this, I suspect I never will. But it's killer writing, it's horrible and awesome at the same time.

Here's Johnny!...

2009-02-28T18:31:00.007Z

A book a day, or my year of reading dangerously...

Day 15: Book 12

Books and Adaptations from the last few days:

Romeo and Juliet: Sergei Prokofiev (1891-1953)
This was lovely. Heard it at the Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama, conducted by Martyn Brabbins. I have never heard it live, and I also got to hear Stravinsky's Petrushka, so it was a really good night.

The Shining (1980): Directed by Stanley Kubrik, based on a novel by Stephen King, Screenplay by Stanley Kubrik and Diane Johnson)
What a film. I saw it in HD last night, my first blue-ray film (I have seen it 3 times before in normal-vision- not as many as Stephen Spielberg's 26 times!); it was even better high-definitioned.

I have really been focusing on writing for the past 3 days, so my reading time is sliding, although I have nearly finished reading Flaubert's Parrot, which is very enjoyable.

W.H. Auden: Selected Poems

2009-02-24T14:47:00.009Z

A book a day, or my year of reading dangerously...

Day 11: Book 11:W.H. Auden: Selected Poems

Memorable Quotes:

"In Memory of W. B. Yeats" by W.H. Auden, read by Tom O'Bedlam

I whole-heartedly recommend Tom O'Bedlam's youtube channel SpokenVerse, please do stop by and listen to a few poems; all read by him, and excellently so. I will be stopping by every day, for a new poem, for 5 minutes of utter absorption in words, thoughts and the moment.

I am so happy to have found his readings.